God the Absent Father

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Published on The Doomstead Diner October 4, 2017

 

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   What an unfortunate mess the world has become!  Is it possible that it's always been a mess?  What is humanity doing?  I'll admit that I'm becoming more nihilistic by the day.  At this point the only thing keeping me from being a nihilist is the desire to not be a nihilist.  That's hardly a defense against nihilism though, and I'm completely aware of that fact.  I think this is what a midlife crisis looks like, but then I can't sort through that because the outer world is such a cesspit that it makes my issues opaque by comparison.  Love, compassion, altruism, wholesomeness, personal integrity, and then there is this monstrous reality to inhabit and engage with.  Here I am, willingly driving a semi truck, for money, and no other reason. 
   
      When I started my career with EMS it was for several reasons.  The most important reason was that I saw nothing about it that was morally repugnant.  It was something that I viewed was necessary for society.  It was an invaluable job that must be performed to keep society functioning.  Corporate greed, federal government meddling, and micromanaged oversight, and the nature of people once tossed off of the Merikan dream, and it all coalesced into a brew of disgust I could no longer manage.  Patients became customers and people abused the very fallible system. 
   
  http://stevespak.com/spak/ems/pin1.jpg    I was also curious about death and human tragedy.  The writer in me wanted a deeper glimpse into the human condition.  I wanted the ability to study my fellow man under the most intense of circumstances.  High tragedy strips us of our superficial characteristics and leaves us honest and naked.  Death is the great equalizer.  It didn't matter how wealthy or poor a person was when they were staring death in the face.  It was more then that for me though.  I wanted to see death in all of its forms.  I wanted to see body decomposition, decapitation, dead babies, and wailing loved ones.  I wanted to tell people that their loved one was dead so that I could see them in their pure state.  In so doing, I hoped that I would somehow get a glimpse into truth.  I called to death and offered him my friendship, and I asked for his approval.  He gave me his approval, and he assured me that I too would die one day. 
   
     After bombing Afghanistan I was also looking for redemption.  Aside from my macabre curiosity about our condition, I felt that I had a karmic debt to repay.  I felt that helping people in their lowest place might somehow add some positive karmic credit to my account.  I was motivated by the need for redemption, something interesting to write about, and final truth about what it means to be human.  I was on a quest for God.  In the end I was disgusted by humanity, and then by my own lack of it, and then by God.  To survive the job I had to shred off a lot of humanity.  I laughed at the human tragedy, and finally I became afraid and ashamed for who I had become.  I'd go home to fill my lungs with smoke and my belly with liquor…to forget what I had just witnessed.  Finally, I wanted to rot with the dead bodies I befriended on a daily basis.  And what of the people?  Where did their consciousness go?  I would stare into the eyes of the dead, and they would star back with their blankness…and then I would write a report about it for the corporation. 
   
     I left the war machine to witness the daily death of humanity.  I left the death of humanity seeking yet more redemption.  I took refuge in nature.  My religion became permaculture, and I called it Druidry.   For a while I believed in what I was doing.  I believed that I had finally arrived at an answer to this struggle that is humanity.  To live we must eat.  Nature provides the materials we need to live.  This should be managed responsibly and sustainably.  We owe life more then consumer trash heap mountains and single serving convenience.  We owe life more then cheapening it as a matter of societal protocol.  We owe ourselves more then mental masturbation projected onto a digital screen of failure. 
   
     Is there a God?  Are there many gods…goddesses…are we just fooling ourselves with this consciousness?  Was this all created?  Is it just a big bang that has no meaning?  Is it all just chemical reactions determined by the laws of physics set in motion by a cosmic quark…an accident?  I remain in an in-between.  I remain in a spiritual purgatory.  I remain in the truth.  I'm an agnostic atheistic polytheist, a contradiction, and yet I believe in life beyond the meat suit…and not a digital one either.  Fuck the singularity…talk about mental masturbation and gargantuan narcissism!  I don't know if there is a point beyond life.  We are here observing.  Why?  Are we being observed?  If we are, then what of it?  If we're created and being observed then we're nothing more then a cosmic netflix, and for no reason other then entertainment.  We strive to be comfortably entertained and pleasured.  We strive to possess things, to be happy, and for no reason.  Meanwhile, as a society we die, and rot, and shit all over natural beauty.
   
      I'll hook up to a 48 foot flat bed trailer and pull it around the country for money.  I'll deliver loads of building supplies.  This will keep our society functioning dysfunctionally, and I'll do it for money so that I can provide my family with what they need.  I'll literally live in a machine.  It will be my house, my livelihood, and a lifeline for my children to breath smoke in this industrial dystopia.  I'll burn hundreds of gallons of diesel every week to deliver these loads that will continue building Merika into the death machine that it's always been.  I'll live in the heart of our death machine…literally.  I'm doing it for money, and yet maybe there is a deeper meaning to this? 
   
     My first day driving a tractor trailer was synchronistic.  The radio was on, and barely audible, as I took the driver seat on the range at this truck driving school.  I started driving, learning to double clutch, learning how much space this massive machine needs to function safely on the road.  U2's Pride came on the radio, and that was a supremely synchronistic moment.  U2 is tatooed on my chest, just above my heart.  Why?  When I was a child, I longed for my father, and he was away driving a tractor trailer all around North Merika.  My mother and father divorced when I was 4, and I only saw him on rare occasions, maybe once a year, for a week at a time.  My childhood was spent longing to be with my father, and on the rare occasions that I saw him it was to go over the road in his tractor.  I have a very lucid memory of that first trip with him.  I got into the truck and U2 was blaring on the radio.  The Unforgettable Fire  was blasting from the speakers of his semi truck, the album that Pride is on.  Now, 30 years later, I'm driving a tractor trailer for the first time and U2 comes on the radio.  I'm instantly transported to 30 years ago.  I'm driving this tractor for my sons, and I'm away from them, and they are longing to see me.  What does this strange twist of fate mean?  Does it mean anything?  Is it just random in it's apparent meaning?  Is all of life a complicated paradox? 
   
      Before I came out here to train to be a truck driver I called my father.  It had been a few years since we went no contact.  I had to call him several times before he finally picked up.  I talked, and he was mostly not interested.  I was drunk and looking for validation.  The next day I felt cheap for having called him.  I felt the most masochistic I have ever felt.  It was pointless to reach out to him for validation.  Yet there is that part of me that has been looking for his approval, and that part of me is a part of all of us.  That part of me is why God was created by man…not the other way around.  We created God and then we killed him. 
   
      Our way of life is collapsing even as it lives.  We grow up and continue declaring business as usual for money.  We can change, but we won't.  We will continue burning nature down for convenience.  We will continue delivering ourselves to death for money and soft convenience.  We don't give ourselves the choice to heal.  It can be different, idealism is a real phenomenon, and it's also a waste of time.  Idealism is a waste of the vital energy we need to make money to pay the bills.  Idealism doesn't pay the bills, and it lives in a bong filtered through water and absorbed by the lungs.  If God is real then idealism is his sense of humor, but he's not real, and idealism is just a cruel joke designed by happenstance and ultimately a phantasm. 
   
     My final defense against nihilism is love, and at this point love is my religion.  Love is what is motivating me to drive a semi for money.  What a God joke this is.  My father drove a semi, and now I drive one.  I am not an atheist, I am not agnostic, I am not a Druid, I am not Buddhist, I am nothing but a husband and a father.  I am the truth, and spare me the judgmental finger pointing.  I am nothing, and so are you.  In a blink of time we all die.  I would like to be wrong in my assessment of this truth.  As depressing as this all sounds, I am not depressed.  I am relieved at the simplicity that my life has become.  I do not care about possessions.  I do not care about identity.  My life has been reduced down into a simple operating objective.  I am a provider, and I must provide within the parameters of this horrible mess we continue maintaining.  I want to reduce suffering for all sentient beings.  That starts with myself and goes to my wife and children.  My meditation is to watch this train wreck of a civilization happen.  I will tell my children the truth, and I will love them, and they will know my love, and I will provide them with manna.  In the name of love…I drive a truck…just as my father did.  What a tragic comedy this life is.  And somehow, even amidst the decay and rot of flesh, love can flourish.  Somehow there is meaning to the suffering.  In the name of love I drive a truck!  What irony.  Still, even fighting off nihilism on a daily basis, I am awe struck by this mysterious meaning.  Maybe the point of existence is just to create meaning via love? 

"Pride (In The Name Of Love)"
One man come in the name of love
One man come and go
One man come, he to justify
One man to overthrow

 

In the name of love
What more in the name of love
In the name of love
What more in the name of love

One man caught on a barbed wire fence
One man he resist
One man washed on an empty beach.
One man betrayed with a kiss

In the name of love
What more in the name of love
In the name of love
What more in the name of love

(nobody like you…)

Early morning, April 4
Shot rings out in the Memphis sky
Free at last, they took your life
They could not take your pride

In the name of love
What more in the name of love
In the name of love
What more in the name of love
In the name of love
What more in the name of love…

4 Responses to God the Absent Father

  • U3 says:

    Because people are evil/flawed there can be no God?  Or could God be evil?  But as flawed people who is qualified to judge?  Sorry, not making sense right now.  But I will re-read your post later, your journey is real and deserves to be understood.

    Sometimes pain reminds us that we are in fact alive.  This is good.

    But love reminds us that we are in fact loved.  This is better.  But we can reach a place where we are unable to feel the truth of it.

  • Dennis Mitchell says:

    The worst thing about my trucking career was all the time spent in my head. Thinking about thinking too much. Then sometimes the view leaves me awestruck and the voices stop.

  • Ken Barrows says:

    Maybe it's not about God.  Maybe it's just that life really cannot be fulfilling for most.  The fossil fuel binge has tried to make everyone fulfilled by converting natural resources to waste as quickly as possible.

  • MountainHiker says:

    I readily relate to your daily increase in nihlism. Like you, I must actively work to overcome it. Funny thing is, it is not depressing. I just have no expectations anymore. Everything in life has become over hyped, over dramatized, over marketed, over, over, over… It's all a hustle, within a hustle. Like Russian nesting dolls. At the age of 56 I guess I am accustomed to swimming in bullshit. Don't even notice the smell anymore.

    I know everyone here is aware of peak oil, but I am wondering if peak complexity won't take us out first. It seems the number of hoops one must just through just to get through any given day is on a constant increase. Or peak life energy as there's always one more scheme on someone's part to stick a spigot in you to drain off just a little more of your life energy so they can live in the big McMansion. All part of the hustle.

    When I mention these things to others they call me a doomer. However, I view a decline from this current social mess as a vast improvement in many ways. It's all about pespective! HaHa!

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