The Emperor Dump Has No Hair

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Published on The Doomstead Diner on January 3, 2017

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   By all accounts the world has gone and entered into a pharmaceutical induced hallucination of narcissistic and instant chicanery.  The entire hallucination is conjured to a fevered pitch of delusional bliss, and manipulated by card carrying psychopaths.  The big black snake went and crossed the river and pissed out a bunch of fracked oil for a healthy 1% profit.  The trickster God went and got himself elected President of Merika and forgot how to pronounce pronunciation while he was at it.  Now the worried amongst the diminishing thinking class of people left on our planet think this trickster Dump might start a nuclear holocaust!   A big fat steaming pile of dumpy poppycock I say!  A president Dump even.  I shit out the likeness of his Dumpness in my toilet bowl from time to time. 
   
   We are entering into our 17th year of continual war in the Middle East.  We're all one cancer cell away from bankruptcy.  We're one pretend chemical industrial food product away from terminal cancer.  Dump's gonna drop a nuclear dump on us any day now.  The coral is dying and the ocean is filling with plastic.  Robots are on their way to making human labor obsolete.  I guess the scientist that technology up this wiz bang, to cheap to meter reality, better come up with the singularity app stat.  Cause we're all going to have to float on to the next chapter sooner then later if things keep going the way they are going.  Otherwise we're going to have some real big problems, and I don't think Dumps gonna be able to drop turds out of his shit hole to cover it up either. 
   
   Indeed, there seems to be doom around every corner…waiting.  I've been waiting for 10, going on 11 years now, for doom to arrive and erase a recognizable pile of business as usual from my view.  I'm still waiting.  Not even a year ago I was splitting bamboo poles and weaving them into baskets.  I was making shakuhachi flutes and playing them.  I was even getting paid money to make chicken coops out of bamboo.  I was making money designing permaculture landscapes in suburbia from time to time.  Money for hugelkultur!  Unfortunately the people in our society with the money AND Earth ethics are rare.  Most people don't see the point when eggs, meat, cheese, vegetables…and microwaveable entrees are too cheap to price in the big box stores.  If you want to support yourself and your family with Permaculture then you have to get certified as a pemaculture teaching wizard.

   Unfortunately energy still has a pretty steep meterable cost.  It's metered in dead brown people over there…in our 15, going on 20, year war on terrorism.  When times are tough we can meter energy in unemployed vets and starving children drifting up dead on the coast of the Mediterranean.  I guess the silver lining is that at least they aren't starving any longer since they are dead.  One less worthless eater to feed!   We need to look on the bright side of life, not the miserable, dead, brown, glass half empty, shitty president Dumpy side.  If we all just believe that unicorns are real, and that their rainbow colored skittle shit is a cure all to the cancer that ails us, then we can all watch football and everyone's team will win forever! 
   
   How much longer will business as usual last?  I mean the stock market is healthier then it's ever been.  Even more healthy then before the great depression.  Even more healthy then when tulips sold for a billion dutch dump wigs.  It's even doing more better then when Chia Pets and Pet Rocks reached their pinnacle of mind dumbing numbing trumpness.  Who didn't want a Pet Trump?  You didn't even have to feed it!  Personally I've grown weary waiting for the crash.  It's not as if the trash pile is getting any smaller over at the land of away.  All of my recycling and natural yield wielding has been for naught.  It's morning in Merika and the sun is rising over the land of Dumpness.   He's dumping unintelligible turds out of his finger tweeter everyday, and he's got a legion of repukelicans puking up his poopy poop in unison. 

   You know it's the end of times when a once Druid Permacultue Bamboo Ninja has given up his lawn mowers for a tractor trailer full of even more fractional reserve digibits.  It just wouldn't be a paradoxical conundrum complete with mythological levels of irony and hyperhypocricy without a Trucker Permie Bamboo Ninja out here on Merika's roadways, hauling freight for BAU.  It's too bad that splitting and weaving bamboo baskets can't pay for a family to live in our current Merikan world.  Who needs primitive skills like splitting bamboo with a knife, by hand, and then weaving it into stupid baskets when the robots are coming?  Who needs natural and renewable landscapes where food is the product and waste doesn't exist?  It's not like robots need food.  Is it?  I mean don't they just plug some plugs into us and harvest our bioenergy in the end?  Aren't we going to upload into the cloud and live in the singularity?  What do we even need the Earth for anyways?  It's not like we're going to need our meat suits in like a couple more years.  Once dump finishes  pooping out his trickster shit we'll all have a good laugh and then depart into the blissful Matrix of human created robot hubris.  I bet his Dumpness will poop out a turd that's got a wig on it as well.  Won't that be hilarious?  Who need a drink?  I'd like a dumpy drink.  A dumpy, stupid, better then you, genetically modified corn colored poopy dump drink to swallow down my load of Dump with.  God Bless Merika, and long live President Turd. 

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