… Stop Me If You Have Heard This One…

 

With your Host, Category5.

 

A funny thing happened to me on the way to the apocalypse.

Stop me if you have heard this one. A disheveled, aging, survivalist in a leather jacket walks into the Doomstead Diner. He puts a tiny little piano on the bar, then whips out a 10 inch pianist…. Buduptup.

That’s right folks. The Dark Green Mountain Survival Research Centre is now being cross posted at The Doomstead Diner. Hey, Mom, I’m almost famous.

To the new folks reading me for the first time, Welcome!

As I go into Season Two, this is a good time to recap who I am, what I am about…..And some of what we will be  building or experimenting with, here at the Dark Green Mountain Survival Research Centre this year. There is a good place to start. No. That is not a spelling error. It’s a quickly disappearing, Canadian spelling. If I had known I would have so many Amerikan readers I might have spelled it the other way. MrsC5 and myself  live on a paid for 110 acre Doomstead in rural Nova Scotia. You can say, it is a place that has already gone into economic collapse… and sort of has been for the last 200 years. This has its pros and its cons.

Lets get straight to the obvious. I am not like the other survivalists. I like my apocalypse Rude, Crude and Irreverent. I am the Dirty Street Punk, Gen-X Version of Survivalism.

More so, I consider most of the survivalist advice out there as completely and utterly useless. I know. I have lived much of it. It is survival advice that can not produce “Actual Survival”. In many cases, it is the complete opposite of survival and almost guaranteed to get you killed.

Thus the beginning of the C5 rules of Survival.

C5 Rule of Survival  #1 – There is no such thing as a Survival Expert. Anyone claiming to be is just trying to sell you something, whether that is a product, service, political, religious, or racial position. TRUST ME on this. I wrote a book about it that you will want to purchase.

C5 Rule of Survival #2 – Never trust anyone that says, “Trust Me”.

(Do your due diligence)

C5 Rule of Survival #3 – Take all the old Survivalist Advice and, pretty much, do the complete opposite…. and your actual chances of surviving goes up substantially.

 

Now, there is no book to purchase, by the way… but if their was, those first three rules would be on the cover… With me, Buck Naked, under the title, Modern Survivalism, EXPOSED!

There is actually nothing new about that statement. The late Mel Tappan, Survival writer for Guns and Ammo, back in the day, confronted a lot of the things I also challenge. Back in his day, he used to say the problem with Survivalism was too many Doctors and Lawyers. Not enough plumbers and electricians. Nowadays the problem with Survivalism, and even its more moderate offshoot, Preppers, is, too many plumbers and electricians… that all want to be special forces, invincible, super heroes roaming the wasteland, saving us all from evil doers.

The lives of the working class have become so miserable and meaningless that they fantasize about insurgent war and mass murder. This is, historically, how death squads happen. They feed on the most paranoid propaganda fantasies and, over time, it becomes an addiction … that needs even more darker paranoid fantasies to get the same buzz and feeling of that they have special knowledge. That they are special. It is more of an Existential Crisis at the end of empire.

 

So, let’s try to forget that the last 60 years of Survivalism and Prepping even existed for a moment, shall we.

Let’s wipe the slate clean. Let’s strip everything down to the most basic necessities of life.

And it’s not what you think.

Here are the main things we are facing. We are running out of the most essential resources as the population continues to grow. We have an economy that must always grow exponentially or it will immediately crash. And the crazy, abrupt change in weather patterns around the globe, long predicted, is now happening as we watch. Meanwhile, the Gen Pop, or  general population are going into multiple versions of insanity and denial of reality.

(I sometimes like listening to this, simply for the beat poetry. What can I say. I am a Renaissance Doomer)

 

So. Let’s start with an easy one.

If you suddenly are let go from your job and a bunch of other people are in the same position, and over time it becomes clear that you aren’t going to have another job again that actually pays enough to live on… FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE…the big question is…

…Where are you going to live?

No biggy. Think it through.

I live in cana’duh so that is no joke. Exposure and hypothermia will kill you faster than hunger or dehydration. Everything starts there. If you have a mortgage, you need to fully understand that your house is not yours. Not in the slightest. Not even a portion of it. Not until you have paid off every last penny…or sold it to some other sucker. Miss a few payments and it’s gone. Let’s not fool ourselves with the idea that if the banks fail, your house is free. They will just sell you and your debt to someone else. 2008 is still fresh in many people’s minds. The 2014-15 commodities crash is still fresh in the minds of Albertans. Greece’s collapse is still ongoing.

Many Millennials will be laughing hysterically at this paragraph and saying to themselves, “… Like I would ever be able to afford a Mortgage. Boomer problems. Shit…”

So that is your first question to answer. Where will I live when I no longer have (enough) money coming in?

 

I am not going  to actually give you an answer. That is up to you to figure out.

I am just giving you the right question to ask.

I often say, Survivalists and Preppers are really bad at understanding Transitional Phases. It doesn’t fit into their carefully scripted freedom fantasy. They are waiting for some magic event. “Bang! And we are off! Let the apocalypse begin.”

Nothing makes me roll my eyes and think, “Dead Survivalist walking”  more than hearing those, all too common, words, “When the Shit Hits The Fan, I am going to….”. Insert lame survival plan here. If you are not living your survival plan NOW, you simply do not have the working system necessary or enough experience. It’s a full time gig.

Let me rephrase that. It’s a full time gig simply to figure out everything you are doing wrong and how much you suck at simply staying alive. This is called, The Learning Curve. “If the apocalypse had actually arrived, survivors a few years later would have gotten used to a landscape scattered with empty garden-in-a-box kits, overgrown garden patches, and the skeletal remains of preppers who starved to death because the learning curve lasted just that much longer than they did” (John Michael Greer)

 

So, I created the  C5’s  5Fs  to slim Survivalism and Prepping down to something that is Real, Relational, and Relevant.

 

C5’s 5F- #1 – Food Storage –

“Because it is Cheap. Because it is Easy. Because your Great Grandparents wouldn’t understand why you didn’t and would be really angry with you” (Chris Martenson). The reason this is #1 is that even your best efforts cannot guarantee that your food systems will work, the weather will cooperate, the forests won’t be stripped clean of animals (which is almost guaranteed) or all your best growing abilities won’t be destroyed by super storms, droughts or fires. Even if you have food production down, that food must still be stored each and every year… with extra in case the next crops fail. I also often say, “Someone may try to kill you a few times in your life (I have survived a few attempts on my life before so I know)… but you have to Eat, Each and Every Day. Often, more than once.” If that seems daunting and expensive, here is all my best advice on how to do it cheaper than your diet today.  https://darkgreenmountainsurvivalresearchcentre.wordpress.com/2018/03/14/season-ii-c5-serves-cock-favored-soup-doomstead-dining-on-survival-food-storage-home-at-the-dark-green-mountain/

cock

 

C5’s 5F- #2 – Food Production –

Food. IT IS THE ALPHA AND OMEGA OF SURVIVAL. The Beginning and the End. Every thing else is extra. If you do not have that, you really have NOTHING. And You have NO CHANCE. If you were ever wondering what to do with your life, that is it. Right there folks. If that is not enough, figure out how to do it without oil or machinery input or dept financing or a functioning market to buy or sell it. That is your full life’s work right there. If where you live is not conducive to achieving this, or will not sustain food production because of climate conditions, water, population density or climate change, I have a simple answer to solve this dilemma. MOVE. Not when the shit hits the fan. Not as a Bug Out plan. Now. It will take you years of hard work and adjustment. The locals will take many years, if not decades, to accept you. (plus you will probably fail a few times. Doomsteading attempts are like Ex Wives. The first two are practice)

multi use greenhouse 2

 

C5’s 5F- #3 – Fire wood –

I live in Cana’duh. Heating is not an option. All survival advice is regional. If you live in a warm climate, this may be less important. Without industrial energy inputs, this is your one and only energy source. No wood, no survival. If you do not have this or can not use this where you are, see my very simple answer to solve this dilemma, above. On our return to cana’duh, we learned there had basically been no winter here, other than the occasional, lethal, polar vortexes which are now the new normal, and of course, the Bomb Cyclone on the day I was leaving. I don’t use the term Apocalypse lightly. There was absolutely no snow… then we got hit by 4, count it 4 Nor’easters in less than a month, in March. It has been bleak….followed by periods of really fucking depressingly bleak. I took the first snow opportunity to move some wood by sled. We will do a full article on wood soon… that I will probably just call “C5 gets Wood!”

dog and sled

 

C5’s 5F- #4 – Fuel Storage – (Short Term)

Nothing extreme here. Fuel has a short shelf life. We rotate ours into our vehicle every six months to keep it fresh. This is simply for interruptions in the fuel delivery system. A buffer. An Edge. Better to learn to live without it. I am a realist here, though. If fuel supplies abruptly shut off, the Vast Majority of the human population will be dead in short order. Energy Transition Will Not and Can Not solve this. Too Little, Too Late. If we had put war time level effort into this back in the 70s, maybe. Now? THE ONLY WAY OUT IS THROUGH. This is what this Blog is about. If you take my advice, this gives you a Very Slim chance at survival. Very Slim. If you don’t, you have none. FYI, I don’t plan on using this gas storage to run generators or “Tear around Nam looking for the shit”. It will almost all go into my chainsaw. If an abrupt stop happens, I have about two years till the gas goes bad. I was watching The Walking Dead the other night…and somehow, magically, they are still driving around. Never once have I heard them say, ” So. What are we going to do about the disintegrating TIRES”… and goddess forbid, they ever have to use their windshield wipers. TWO YEARS. This is how long I have to buck up enough firewood to get me through old age. Really. That is my SHTF job #1. For everyone else, you will quickly want to memorize the term, “Rocket Mass Heater” and let your fingers do the walking. People will become less uncomfortable using the term, “Faggot” again, in its historical usage. Look it up…and tremble.  https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/faggot

gas 1

C5’s 5F- #5 – Friends – (Long Term)

The People part of Prepping. Also the single hardest Job. And it has been an almost Full Time Job to achieve this and solve this problem in my life. It’s time for Survivalists to get real and kick the ideology driven idea of  Self Sufficiency to the curb as a masturbatory fluff Fantasy, that can not produce “Actual Survival”. Have you actually ever met a real person that is actually self sufficient? Me neither. If you think you might have, look a little closer and I suspect not.  There is a reason humans have almost always lived in villages. It is a survival system. Full disclosure. I don’t live in a village… and this makes me extremely vulnerable. My main goal in life before I die is to create one. A goal of which I expect to FAIL. I am running out of time. But you never know. I have been known to pull off miracles before. You are reading me, aren’t you? In the mean time, we throw alot of parties, go to others parties and try to think of ways to get like minded people to do stuff together. Building social reliance, social bonds and mutual support networks. Social Capital.

 

That there is the absolute minimum to survival in a rapidly changing and highly fucked up world, where a mass die off is quickly approaching. It is truly daunting. You now only have two options. Party like it is 1999 (or 2007)… or make a decision that you are going to try to save yourself and others. If you choose the latter, it is NOW time to get busy. Not tomorrow. Not when the Shit Hits The Fan. Now. Yesterday would better.

There is also another way to use the C5’s  F5s when thinking about all the other Vanilla ISIS, Yuppy Scum Survivalists out there that dominate the medium.

That would be to say out loud, “Well, Fucking Fuck the Fucking Fucked Fuckers”.

I am rather proud of myself for that one.

The other would be to say to them, “Go back to playing more Call Of Duty and watch lots of porn and live as happy of a life as long as you can, now…because your ‘Prepping’ can not produce ‘Actual Survival’… and you are quickly becoming a Clear and Present Danger to those of us that are actually trying”.

This is all my best advice, right there, shortened for  modern attention spans. Drop Mic.

Hang on. I dropped the mic. It rolled under the couch. Almost got it……….Got it!

OK, Grass Hoppers. This is my Kung Fu. Pay attention. I really do have other shit to do.

Up top is commentary. Now comes the practical survival advice.

There is an essential product you will have to purchase to stay alive…for when the shit hits the fan. Not a magnesium fire starter. Not a Glock or AR15. Not a Mylar lined poncho so the N.W.O. drones can’t find you.

A ladder. You heard me right. An aluminum extension ladder. The higher quality the better. It’s essential.

No, seriously. Have you EVER heard a survival teacher tell you, “You need an extension ladder or you will die”? Ever?

Can you figure out why? Think it through.

It is because you will have to get up onto your roof and clean the creosote out of your stove pipes… at least once a year. No one is coming to do it for you. If you do not do this, you will have a creosote fire and your house will burn to the ground around you. There is no getting around this eventually happening to you.

If you have lived it, that is Sooooo obvious that it is not even worth stating.

But that is the difference between REAL SURVIVAL TRAINING… and the other crap you read online. I expect A LOT of forest fires. Urban fires. Suburb fires, etc..

If you want REAL SURVIVAL TRAINING… here is a good one. It’s from my online friend, a trusted and reasonable prepper,  Denob. The administrator of the Canadian Preppers Network and IPN.

So, how do I know this. Do you think it comes from a divine prophetic ability? Nope. I was working on a project and left my ladder a little too close to the road. Some crack head redneck local decided to drive off with it. My first realization was that I could no longer get on the roof… and I hadn’t done my chimney clean in the spring like I was supposed to. I quickly made a ladder but it was too heavy for practical use. I am still waiting for a second hand ladder to show up at a garage sale. I suppose another piece of survival advice is, if you already have a ladder in your garage, it should also have a lock and something to attach it to. This is so thieves don’t use it to break into your house by going through any open, second story window.

The other… is that my stove gasket has been hanging down, probably should have been changed 2 years ago, and I have been waiting for spring when I no longer need the stove, to change it out. This means I burned alot of extra wood and had too hot a fire occasionally because there was too much air going in.

I suppose a third is that I had a creosote fire once, Way Back, when I first had to use a wood stove and it was new to me. It’s so common that the local fire chief took out his wood stove and only heats with electricity now. He was traumatized by seeing too many ruined lives.

But I can just hear the push back and comments from the survivalisty tactical tykes out there, when confronted with “The Ladder Factor”. It would be, “Well, you cant fit that in a Bug Out Bag”. No, really. I got that comment once when telling people the #5 purchase preppers should make is a Broad Fork https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Broadfork  (#1 item being a wood stove). Another would be hearing, “What are you going to do, swing it around in a circle to hit attackers with”. Really. I got that comment when presenting the #3 item. A quality, corded power drill…and a spare. It’s why I don’t and just can’t allow comments on my site. I just want to STRANGLE the fuckers!

It’s for my own mental health.

 

Sooooo. MrsC5 and myself just came back from 9 months in Peru and 3 months in Barbados. While MrsC5 was volunteering with a Canadian Development agency, I was taking the opportunity to study how others survive with less resources. We had basically burnt out from trying to achieve all that stuff  mentioned above and needed a break to recharge. For the new comers that are just tuning in now, the series started here  https://darkgreenmountainsurvivalresearchcentre.wordpress.com/2017/04/18/survival-advice-from-south-america-part-1-the-arrival/ and you can work out how to read the series in order, yourself, if you wish. There is some epic posts in there.

And what can you expect from us this year at The Dark Green Mountain Survival Research Centre? It’s going to be a busy year.

The sexy stuff  happens later in the year. We have to do some upgrades, stabilization and rust proofing on our shipping container outbuilding while bringing in a second container to be turned into a hurricane proof, fireproof, polar vortex resistant, guest house. The “Research” part of this is, “how cheaply and quickly can we possibly pull this off?” Emphasis on cheap and fast.  It will be used for people staying here. But it is also a back up home if a superstorm turns our main house into match sticks or embers.

As soon as spring hits, I will be in a race to get as much pussy as possible. Pussy willow I mean. I will need at least a thousand 3ft willow cuttings. We will be starting living fences from scratch. Animal and human barriers. Mainly around the garden, since our deer fence is decomposing quickly, but other places as well. While doing that, we will revisit the ancient fencing method of Dead Hedging.

And I will soon try to do an experiment on mobile defensive barriers, and time how fast it takes to build each 8ft mobile section. The idea is to put it in front of vulnerable parts of the house, then as more can be built, the safe zone can be expanded outwards. The big part of this experiment will be to observe just how quickly nature destroys all of our effort and whether it is worth doing on mass. So, it is a multi year experiment.

And we will be revisiting Mythos and Logos Doomstead where they will be teaching us how to render clay from clay-ish soil, the main building block in cob building material. It’s heavy, slow work. I will be doing alot of bitch work while I learn, with you as the beneficiaries. I will be doing this to begin paying them back for saving my ass and tending our doomstead when we were in a bind overseas. I also have to do the same paying back, for a friend I will simply and mysteriously call “S”. She will need some help finishing her mini home and that will give the opportunity to talk about that subject.

We will also continue to work on C5’s F5- #5. The people part of prepping.  I may call this post “50 Shades of Grey. The Ties that Bind- Sexy Adult Parties and Guy on Guy action”. It’s on Community Building or Growing Social Capital. What did you think it was about? Oh, That. Well, whatever gets you UP in the morning. Never mind.

And more. Lots more. There really is a lifetime of work to do here. We will see how much we can get accomplished in between the usual food, firewood, some odd jobs off site since we have no income coming in this year and taking care of repairs (lots of repairs. Nature sure likes to break stuff) . Stay Tuned.

See you, next month


 

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(Thanks for the donations, N.S. and J.D.)