💀 Pain, Freedom & Death

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Published on the Doomstead Diner on June 3, 2018

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I shot the picture above from the threshhold of my Back Porch.  It was a beautiful day here on the Last Great Frontier in early summer/late spring.  Rain in the morning and then lots of warmth and sunshine through the afternoon.  The farmers in Palmer I am sure loved this day, more like it through the summer and we will see new records set at the Alaska State Fair for Giant Vegetables.  For me though, it was a day of realization that I am finished, done, kaput.  I have nothing new I wish to write about Collapse, and I am tired of arguing the fine points with morons.  I did what I am going to do with my life, which certainly could have been better but could have been worse too.  I did manage to stay out of prison.  The time has come for me to make my trip across the Great Divide, only cowardice stops me now from pulling the plug on myself.  I am a worthless heap of meat flesh and should be dead many times over already.

Today I am sharing with my readers a video I made last week while in Hospital.  It is a video of the pain I was undergoing prior to getting a morphine infusion via my IV lines put in place to get drugs into my system without poking me full of holes every 4 hours or so.  I still got numerous holes poked though for extracting blood from my system for daily testing.  Those worked up nice Black & Blue spots.

I have experienced many sorts of pain over the years, I skied off a cliff in my youth and broke both legs and I have had numerous issues of tooth pain as well as various of my teeth went bad after being destroyed by incompetent dentists.  I have had more than 20 teeth pulled at one sitting.  I have had my arteries rotor-rootered without a general anaesthetic so I could watch the proceedure.  However, nothing including the toothaches ever compared with this pain.  Toothaches are constant but a kind of dull pain, not the kind of sharp and repeated pain I experienced with these episodes, which came once or twice a day for 3 days until the problems were brought somewhat under control, although they are still not resolved.  Without the Morphine, I do not know how I would have maintained my sanity through this period, so the Anti-Opiod crawd can go straight to HELL.  Absolutely NOTHING can knock down pain like Morphine, except probably Heroin which is a derivative of Morphine.  I wish they had Heroin available in Hospital when I was there.  Even the Morphine did not do the whole trick.

To try and imagine what it is like, imagine your leg as a really BIG tooth that needs to be extracted, except it comes in with pain thrusts that are sharp and powerful, not dull and continuous.  If a surgeon had showed up in my hospital room while undergoing this and offered to amputate my leg to relieve the pain, I would have enthusiastically agreed to the surgery.  Unfortunately, no surgeon showed up volunteering to do this job and I remained stuck with the offending leg connected to the rest of my body.  Not that it does much good there these days anyhow, the fucking piece of my meat package can't even lift me to my feet anymore without tons of help.

The progress here of my deterioration in many respects mirrors that of the civilization I inhabit.  I am now somewhat free from the extreme pain I was undergoing last week, but with each passing day I beome still more debilitated.  I have just about no reason to live anymore, but I am too big a coward to pull the trigger on myself.  The only thing left is my self-made project of my Tombstone, but that will get done by my executors whether I make it through the next few months or not.  Everything else in my life is all tied up and packaged now, for all it was worth in the end.  I wrote a few words and I taught a few kids.  That sums up the reasonably significant things I did with the 60 or so years I had walking the earth.  Otherwise, I never lived up to my own goals and expectations of myself.

As I make my way to the Great Beyond in this excruciatingly slow process, one of my own thoughts and also suggested to me by other Diners was it was time to check myself in to an Assisted Care Facility, aka a Nursing Home of sorts for Cripples where there is staff around 24/7 to pick your carcass up if you fall down and help you get in and out of bed or onto the throne.  I can't bring myself to do this anymore than I can put a gun to my head and pull the trigger.  It would be giving up the last vestige of FREEDOM I have, which is not much really but it's what I have.  I love my little digs and my space here, which is MY SPACE and nobody tells me how I should live here or dictates what I can eat either.  I want to die here, in my space in my way.  I want to leave this world as I lived in it, by my own rules with nobody telling me what to do or how to do it.  I have nobody left I need to satisfy besides God, and believe you me he will get a piece of my mind when I cross the Great Divide.

The space of our Industrial Civilization is also going Bye-Bye, although not quite so fast as my personal space, and many people will suffer pain similar to what I did as they also make their way across the Great Divide.  Most won't even understand why they are expiring and go down blaming stupid politicians they themselves voted for.  They will cling to stupid religions and stupid political viewpoints and go straight to HELL, where they belong.  These are the people who cannot be saved, and we have them here on the Diner as they also exist throughout the real world.  They will burn in everlasting damnation, so will their parents and their children and grandchildren, all the acolytes of Satan.  I will take everlasting pleasure in watching them burn from my perch in the Great Beyond.  A few days of pain was a small price to pay for this Eternal Schaudenfrede.


19 Responses to 💀 Pain, Freedom & Death

  • Greg says:

    You're one tough son of a bitch. You have enlightened many people and changed their lives more than you know. You're work will always be remembered. I still cling to the private contention that you will pull through. Best to you.


    • Etyere Petyere says:

      You See Humans were not meant to live this long in the 1700`s in france the average lifespan on the countryside was 27 years also in roman times even in the early 1900`s only 52 . Thats basically the maximum age until the human body can still operate In a somewhat painless and healthy manner everything after that is shits as we can see . So old age brought to you by industrial civilisation is again nothing but a curse .  Well one should draw the conclusion and take the way out . Fuck it . A big dose of opium can do the job .

  • Ben says:

    You and your website have been important factors in my life for years. I trust you will do what you think is best for you; no other person should. Please, if you can still write, just write! It can be things other than collapse. 

  • jjgrey says:

    Ongoing continous pain seems to be one of the biggest drivers for embracing death. Any way you can find to mitigate or remove the pain will give you another lease on life, and on acomplishing more in what remains of it.

    I would look into alternative medicine if the hospital kind is failing you. Accupuncture succeeded for my spouse where all the doctors failed for nearly a decade. Herbal treatments can also succeed – but you have to have both your physician and your alternative practitioner fully informed about what the other is treating you with. 

    But if you decide you cannot find another lease on life for what-ever reason, and choose to give up this life (which puts most people 80%+ of the way to being dead) please go knowing you have reached more, and influenced and instructed more than you shall ever know, and you have my best wishes for calm, quick, and peaceful journey to what ever lies beyond this life. 

  • Ed says:

    I'll miss you.

  • William H Duncan says:

    So grumpy. So focused on eternal revenge. Methinks you will take no satisfaction in the majority of your fellow humans burning in any eternal whatever, once you are in the embrace of the Goddess, but then, if a perch overlooking hell is what u want….be careful what you wish for….

    Otherwise, stay alive till Sunday. I'll call.



    • RE says:

      Nice 2 hear from U WHD. 🙂

      Before you make a judgement on what Youthinks, walk a mile in my shoes.  Get back to me in about 20 years.


  • UnhingedBecauseLucid says:

    I'm still pretty fucking mad at you for having crippled yourself so badly and thus threathened to deprive me of my favorite 'chill-out–you're-not-alone' website…but I still wish you prompt deliverance from pain to whatever new "equilibrium" this entails, so you can witness the event that will give you the ultimate wry smile of 'vindictivness', for a lack of a better word…


    If they have to monetize oil producers debt (among others) even more egregiously than they are doing it now —- they'll eventually get to it IMHO. 

    The periphery is getting hit first of course, so a select group of countries can more or less endure.

    But I think things are going to start to weird out "something fierce" pretty soon. (Italy, Brazil, Turkey… )

    There is just no way they'll keep the lid on once the truth is realized.


    Easier said than done, but hang in there; and may the Universe have mercy on you,…

  • Karl says:

    Look at the bright side, 60 years is a hell of a lot longer than many are going to get as collapse accelerates.  I'd surmise the quality of most of those was better than what awaits the survivors of collapse too.  Still, death is a daunting thing to face, and we all face it alone. At 40, the indignities of decay are just starting to appear on my horizon.  I suspect violence or famine will beat them to the finish line. 

    This post reaffirms what I seem to learn and forget each time a loved one dies, namely, that our time here is limited, and that living with purpose (fulfillling life goals) is signficantly more important than accumulating stuff.  None of us have a guarantee of longevity or health.  Thank you for the reminder. 

    Thank you too for all of your work, you had a bigger impact than most.  Die well.

  • RE says:

    Thanks to all for the warm thoughts.

    I'm not dead yet of course, and I appear to be pretty hard to kill off.  So I guess I am doomed to suffer and have a long, slow and painful trip to the Great Beyond.


  • Jason says:

    Hey RE – I knew you were hard to kill off. That said, try and take it easy – your input is needed for a while longer and your brand of humour (yes, I know, that's with a 'u' – we limey's can't help it) is a welcome tonic to to all those other doomers out there who don't possess one. 

    So, here's hoping to us all enjoying a long, slow descent as catabolic collapse kicks the props out from under us.



  • Ken Barrows says:

    I hope you can live a life worth living until Tesla goes bankrupt. 

  • Stucky says:

    Hey, RE ….. it's you old friend (or, nemesis?) from The Burning Platform.

    I'm here because bb posted a message that you were not doing well; Here —>  https://www.theburningplatform.com/2018/06/13/students-blast-supreme-court-ruling-on-gay-wedding-cake/#comment-1635644

    I posted a little info about the Great RE (lots of Newbies there) and a link to this thread in case some old timers want to stop by.

    I must say, with all sincerity, that I am saddened greatly to read of your travails.

    I sort of know what you are going through.  My dad died about two months ago.  Mom is not taking it well.  She also has rather severe bone disease and can only walk with a walker, and even then her "steps" are done in one or two inch incrrements. The pain is excruciating and she couldn't take the pain if she wasn't also on opiods.  Even so, she talks about suicide almost non-stop except she's afraid to do it.  So, yeah, I kinda know wia proxy what you're experiencing.

    You and I … we've had our disagreements.  Some pretty nice shitfests!  And even on those occasions when I called you out with my colorful metaphors one thing is certain; I always had a respect for you.  If anything, you were always HONEST, and in this age of lies and deceipt, that is a rare and wonderful thing.  And you always made me THINK deeper about my own views, and what greater compliment is there to give a writer?

    Hey, I know you're not dead yet.  You'll probably live to my dad's age, 92.  But, when you do croak …err, go to The Great Beyond — it will be a sad day for me.

    I wish you the best, RE. The very best.


    • RE says:

      Great to hear from you Stucky! 🙂  Thanks for the supportive words.

      I also always had a lot of respect for you, because despite our disagreements, you’re  a bright guy and very funny.  You also work up some great insults. lol.

      I was always disappointed you didn’t come and join the Diner and take on my role on TBP as the contrarian in residence.  I also considered your opinion, much more than you might suspect.  Both opinions though somewhat irrelevant, since we’re all going down the shitter no matter what here.

      Anyhow, I am still above ground and doing cooking videos these days, when I am not haunting the hospital hallways.  Stop in for a meal sometime.


  • RiNS says:


    Long timer on TBP. When you were around there I wasn't commenting a whole lot. I was at the time keeping my head down while I watched the lead fly. Anyways bb and Stucky left this link to come over here and send regards. That said I always loved your humour and wit. Take care and know you have made an impact on lot of people. Myself included.


    Yours in Odin,



  • Llpoh says:

    Sorry to hear you are dying. Seems I heard the same thing a few years ago.  Looks like you can stretlch out this dying business like you can stretch out a story.  That being the case you should have a few years left in you, at least. 

    I guess you opred against setting yourself out on an iceflow with a bone with a bit of meat onit, when the time actually came. I suspect it sounds good until the reality of that actually sinks in. 

    Some of our battles were fun. You are a smart guy. It is too bad you did not know where the line of decency was, and as a result crossed it once too often. We could have used your ongoing presence. 

    Again, sorry to hear the news. Not what I would ever have wanted to hear. 


    • RE says:

      I got quite tired of the shit throwing on TBP and the preponderance of Nazis and Racists.  The Diner is not so encumbered with assholes, although we of course have a few.  Much higher level of discussion and more interesting commentary.

      Far as dying goes, I’ll get there eventually but apparently I caught the local train to the Great Beyond  and am getting there the long, slow and painful way.


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