Requiem for a Failed Bucket List Adventure

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Published on the Doomstead Diner on August 26, 2018

RE enjoys a fun vacation trapped in the jump seat of an RV

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The photo in the header here should tell you everything you need to know about my long anticipated Last Great Alaskan Bucket List Adventure.  Does that look like a Happy Camper to you?  For 4 days I rotted in the Jump Seat of an RV in the damp cold, while my Healthy friends went off galavanting around the various campgrounds we stayed at to go see Glaciers and observe the incredible amount of water we have flowing everywhere around here these days.  Right now, drought in Alaska is about the last Natural Disaster we have to worry about.  Here's what Happy, Healthy people look like when they are on a camping vacation, even if it is raining all the time:

Image result for hikers playing in the rain

Image result for hikers playing in the rain

You can read a lot more about the failed Last Great Alaskan Bucket List Adventure Inside the Diner, where I did some chronicling of the tripwhile it was ongoing, plus a few more articles since covering the failed aspect of the Cooking part of the Adventure I had hoped to undertake on this trip.  One thing about cooking though as a hobby, it takes both a Cook or Chef and people to EAT the food.  If the people you are travelling with reject your food as Unworthy, then you have a real problem if you invested a lot of emotional energy in cooking up food, which I did.  I can't help that, first off I am a life-long Foodie, and second off there isn't much left for me anymore besides Cooking.  I mean Good Grief, just LOOK at that rotting Meat Package up at the top of the page here?  Do YOU think this guy has many Happy Daze in his life?

Sadly, Healthy People don't generally realize just how unhappy and uncomfortable Cripples are, nro do they really give a shit about it as long as their own needs are being met.  I don't think my Guests on this "vacation" even grasped I was having an awful time until after we got back and I explicitly TOLD Eddy I had a terrible time.  His reaction?  Basicaly that he was sorry I did not enjoy the trip but, hey, he had a GREAT time checking out those Glaciers!  lol.  I have formulated new Rules for Cripples based on this experience, which in a nutshell say that Cripples should not take Vacations with Healthy People.  The only Healthy People a Cripple should go on Vacations with is one the Cripple pays to help him/her, known in the Cripple Community as PCAs or "Personal Caare Assistants".  These folks will drive you around, wash your dishes and wipe your ass if necessary all for the Bargain Low, Low Price every day of around $28/hr.  They don't resent you for this the way friends and relatives who are volunteers resent it because they get paid for the task, and paid decently well considering you need little to no training for this job and most of the time it isn't too hard.  Not like Coal Mining or getting behind a horse-rawn plow anyhow.  Just a little gross periodically if your Cripple has bowel issues.

Anyhowm unless you are a very RICH Cripple like David Rockefeller, having a PCA around 24/7 for a vacation is a huge drain on your savings, and not one I am inclined to spend at the moment.  I'll hire a PCA to come in an help me for a couple of hours a couple of times a week in my digs as I need it, but I am not going to pay for somebody to spend 24/7 with me for the duration of a camping trip.  Which leaves me with 3 basic options now.

1- The most obvious, quit camping!  You're about as unfit now to do that as you are to run a marathon!

2- Find other Cripples who enjoy Camping and organize Cripple Camping Trips with them where you visit campsites that have good Cripple Facilities like those great rails you need to get off the commode and back on your Cripple Cart after taking adump at the outhose at the campsite.

3- Camp Out in Luxury Hotel Suites with Room Service, Wireless Internet and big comfortable King Sized beds to sleep in.  The hotel room should also have a nice Balcony you are allowed to smoke on and an Ice Machine you can get to quickly on your Cripple Cart to fix a drink.  Do not invite any Healthy People on these vacations, let them frolick in the rain somewhere else.

Follow these rules, and you may avoid a fate where your friends and relatives feed you Dog Food and use you as Target Practice for a game of Darts.

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One Response to Requiem for a Failed Bucket List Adventure

  • Etyere Petyere says:

    Instead of the bucket list Call it a bucket seat adventure. You sit in a chair and reminise of all the great things you did . While you are eating delicious cat food . which is probably healthier for you than any processed crap they cheaply produce for human consumption , Enjoy these last great adventures 

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