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(Special welcome to the regular reader coming in from Ecuador. You know what I’m talking about).  This should be a fun read today with lots of twists and turns.


I thought I would toss up these couple of Glam Shots to make a point. This is how MrsC5 first found me. I had some of these shots taken just in case I ever decided to tell the whole story

The reason I put up these “Me so manly. I’d do me”, shots is to provide myself a bit of Gear Head Cred… because I know some truck and NASCAR guys are going to have a bit o’ trouble hearing my Survival Training, philosophy and advice here. I get it. Most things that get people miffed are because of “Previous Investment” or our self identifying “Sacred Mythologies”.

So, I have a new survival rule for you.

C5 Rule of Survival- People ask me, What is “The Best” survival product  to deal with (insert your apocalypse here)? That is easy to answer. “The Best” item is the item you have on hand when you need it.

I have stole this rule from my first Ninjutsu instructor when I was 17. I have a Bad Ass side that I keep carefully muted. Like Bruce Banner, it doesn’t serve me well but I bring it out when I need it.


I cant say that I learned a lot from him… and yet he was one of my most influential mentors that turned me into the person I became. He taught with a lot of self deprecating humor, making fun of himself. He cast off all the cultural trappings associated with that martial art. He didn’t treat himself as some type of master that his students needed to defer to. There was a practicality to it and it was his WORDS that stuck with me.

One of those was, “People ask me, What is ‘The Best’ survival knife or fighting knife. That is easy to answer. ‘The Best’ knife is the one you have on you when you need it”.

Because of his words alone, a knife is permanently welded to my body. From the moment I put my pants on to the time I take them off, it is there. Its not a very high quality knife. Its not very big. Its rarely very sharp. But it is there when I need it.

So, how do we get from the self aggrandizing  photo at the top of the page and yet find ourselves here?

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Or here

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Or here

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Where, o where to begin.

When you saw that title I chose, what came to your mind?

Did you think I was going to talk about, the bootlegger maneuver, the pit maneuver, drift steering, high speed judgment training, where to hit a vehicle, person or animal, off roading or mud bogging, hot fueling while moving, alternative fuels or wood gasification, or perhaps “The Best” Road Warrior, SHTF vehicle.


Seeing that rather impressive zombie apocalypse vehicle I built in the first photo, you might have been thinking to yourself, C5 has a cool, over the top mod to transform a Civic into a Road Warrior, Twisted Metal, Zombie Apocalypse vehicle.

Nope, we are talking ninja philosophy here. Philosophy leads Technique. Before the how comes the why.

By now you are thinking, “That C5 ripped me off”. (another line I have shamelessly stolen from the for mentioned instructor)

Other C5 Rules of Survival I could have used would include…

C5 ROS- If all else fails, lower your expectations.

C5 ROS- Go small or go home.

C5 ROS- Take all the old Survival advice and, pretty much, do the complete opposite… and your chances of survival increases substantially.

C5 ROS- Needs Must when the Devil Drives

C5 ROS- If you want to know how to prepare for the dark future I see coming, it all starts by coming to grips with that refrigeration is a privilege and not a right. If you can fully come to grips with and accept that, ALL ELSE FOLLOWS.

(That magic line came from one of the first conversations I had with MrsC5. She asked me what I thought about the SAS Survival Manual. I looked across the table to where it sat in my book collection, then replied, ‘It’s a false sense of security.If you want to know how to prepare for the dark future I see coming,  it all starts by coming to grips with….”. I realized later, it was one of the smartest lines to accidentally roll past my lips. And I am not talking about refrigeration in this context)

Do you notice a theme here? A general theme that consistently underlays my thinking in previous posts.

I could also have used one of the Murphy’s Rules of Combat… from which I gratuitously stole the concept of the C5 Rules.

Murphy’s Rule of Combat- Always remember, your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.

(You may be noticing all the vehicles in the backdrop of those photos. They are done and gone to meet their maker. Our place is starting to look like a real farm with the slow accumulation of dead vehicles)

or… The side with the simplest uniform wins.

or… (in the case of this post)… If it is Stupid but it works, It is not stupid.

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The photos are getting redundant but I was making a point. Its not theory or a one off. This is how I use it to get shit done. All my firewood of the year is in and I did it with a 14 year old Civic. I’m rather proud of myself for that one.

And a mystical, magical, timing synchronicity happened while doing this post. When I  first sat down to write this post, I was greeted by a randomly paused movie on the computer. It made me chuckle because the gods might be involved.

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In the rest of the world, this is just how people get shit done. Its just that First Worlders are at a distinct disadvantage in a collapse…

…because they are insane…

and the rest of the world sees this.

Back to Ninja Philosophy. The ninja consistently kicked samurai ass because they saw that the samurai culture had the distinct disadvantage…. of being insane. More on that latter. My point being, is your Survivalist strategy underpinned by a philosophy of Samurai thinking.

There were a couple of things that happened recently that spurred me to write this post and say, we have to have this conversation.

The recent one was while I was getting willow for my live fence. (see the first Civic photo with willow on top, above)  By the way, it is looking good, in spite of the worst weather I have ever seen here, as predicted.

A lot of farmers and CSA growers just got wiped out here. They will have lost everything. Some of them, their farms as well. In a proverbial SHTF world, there might be starvation here. This is exactly why we store food. This is exactly why we should never trust debt… and it is why I have been building greenhouses like crazy. (see the second Civic photo of me recycling large windows. The third and fourth photos are self explanatory)

FYI, If you have been observing world temperature maps over the last few years, you will have observed the entire world in various shades of red representing higher temperatures. Red. Slightly deeper red. Ridiculously dark red. There is only one tiny place on the world map that is blue. We are right in the middle of that blue spot. It may turn out to be the last habitable place on earth but that is too early to call. In the mean time, it is a bit of a pain in the ass. (as of the writing date, june 12, we have had killing frosts most days for the last couple weeks, the real killer being a well below freezing kill off. The day before it happened, it was a record breaking 36c for that day of the year)

So, I am driving home with this load of willow on my roof. Every vehicle that passed me was a newish pickup truck. F-150s, Silverados, Dodge Rams. Every single one of them. Each one of them single occupancy.  Not a single one of them carrying anything. All of them pretty shinny. The only one doing what a truck was designed for… was ME… in a Honda Civic. And I suspect, I was the only one of them with no debt.

Now, someone is going to come along and say, “You could accomplish so much more with a truck. Look at what you are hauling and how you live. You are who a truck is made for”.

My response would be, “OF COURSE!!!… Well duh. Of course”…. but that leads to story number two.

I have to be careful here. This guy is in my circle and I have a handy arrangement with him that makes my life easier. Nice enough guy. He works hard in a decent paying job, (ironically in road maintenance), then farms some cattle as a second job. He rolls up in a shiny new mondo truck. I mention that we will have no money coming in this year but it is OK  because we have paid for land and this gives us a lot of freedom. He mentions that he had finally just paid off his house. A bit later, he talks about all the bells and whistles on his truck. He then mentions it was an impulse buy and he is now 25 thousand dollars in debt. He then says he guesses he will just have to keep working. There is a lull in the conversation and not much else to say afterwords.

One of the best phrases I have heard over the last few years is “That is very 2007 of you”.

Its pretty obscure and most people wont get it. I use it a lot. My point being, 2018 problems can not be solved with pre- 2007 thinking. For those that do not know what I am talking about, I think future historians will call 2007 as the year western civilization had reached its peak and began its slide into “The Age of Consequence”. Oh, it was already long since bancrupt by this point. But it was hard for Average Joe Douchebag and Spandex Jane Soccer Mom, Prostitute Lite, to see this because upward mobility was still happening, the dough was being raked in and  Negative Nellie’s like myself were lumped into the category of crazy Y2K false prophets  that needed to be medicated.

It was rather hard to be prophet of doom during those boom years leading up to 2007. It left me scratching my head and my nuts, not in any particular order, trying to figure out how we were floating on thin air. It made no sense. Now we understand that it was all financial fraud causing a bubble. But before that, jobs were plentiful and even a bottom of the social ladder, dirtbag like myself could find work that paid more than minimum wage. So I did. Thus the toys in my sexy glam shot at the top of the page. This was a one time in my lifetime event. Then BAM! 2008 hit and shook the world.

So, what has Samurai Joe and Jill Jackoff learned since then. Absolutely nothing. Sweet fuck all. Backdoor bumpka. Neurotic Na’da.

Because they are insane. Batshit crazy, jello pudding, Koo Koo for Coco Puffs, NUTS.

The Commodities Crash (caused by a lot of broke people that could no longer afford to buy things made with commodities) sent gas prices into the basement. Being as gas was so cheap, those still employed, took out huge loans to buy big trucks. Go figure. And now the gas price is creeping back up, so oil workers are racing back to the bottom of the barrel oil, tar sands and fracking fields. At least the ones that didn’t commit suicide after they lost their financed trucks, houses and wives, during the crash. They have to get back to work, fucking up the planet to finance new trucks, houses and wives. The fuel prices will continue to climb until it sets off the next Liemans Event or commodities crash. The next time will be much worse. Then “The Crazies” will do it all again and again and again. Because they be crazy.

I’ve given up arguing with insane people because when you crack their delusion, they tend to get violent, vote for crazier people and start civil wars. Best to pull a Ninja and try to stay out of their way.

The first sign of crazy is people identifying themselves with the products or name brands they own or wish to own. If you find yourself asking “what vehicle defines me?”, well, “That is very 2007 of you”. Please go talk to a mental health professional before making any large purchases.

So, lets get to the meat of the matter. ANY vehicle is the Absolute Worst investment you will ever make. There is no getting around that. I don’t remember who said vehicles are now designed to last 5 years… but are financed for 7 years. It is a losing proposition. I know of no good vehicles. They are all walmart cars now days. Cheaply made and designed to be thrown away. Period.

So, if you are asking, what is “The Best” vehicle for when the SHTF, you are asking the wrong question. Its probably the one you have right now. Whatever it might be. Hopefully its paid for and isn’t a big drain on your resources. If you face that final handshake and pink slip and no more jobs are coming, bye bye truck, one way or the other.

The right question to ask is, What vehicle drains my resources “The Least”?

What is my least worst option?


{ This is the ghostly apparition of C5 coming to you from the future. That means I got to the end of my post and realized I  hadn’t put in the the practical advice I intended. Here is a good place to put what I forgot.

-Aftermarket roof racks are expensive so try to find uses. Detachable are better because racks affect the aerodynamics of your car, reducing gas mileage. Keep them in your trunk for when you find that item you may have to carry. Don’t forget ropes or ratchet straps. A blanket may help to avoid scratching paint. Also, some of these attach into your door roof so the door might not fully close. This may let water in or cause a whistle while you drive.

-The Civic doesn’t have the power for a trailer. Most cars do though. Just get the smallest and lightest trailer. You want to pull gear, not trailer. Most trailers are designed to be pulled by a large truck. That aint you. Adding an aftermarket tow hitch is a VERY good idea… but it can be pricey… and subject to rust. Keep your slide out ball hitch out or it will permanently rust into place. Keep grease in the receiver tube. Only invest in a trailer hitch if you are keeping your car along time. It ain’t working out for the old vehicles we cycle through.

-Some racks aren’t useful so you can modify them like this

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-Don’t overwork your vehicle. I have had 2 vehicles burst into flames in my life. Oh ya. Carry a fire extinguisher within reach. Keep all your liquids topped and watch your heat gauge. Carrying large loads (on roof or trailer) can catch wind and affect your steering. Go as slow as you have to. If you need to travel 30kph…travel 30. Put your blinkers on and make people go around. Pull over to let people go by if several people are behind you. Stick to the back roads or do the job at night to reduce other vehicles.

-Flat roofs are easier to use than curved roofs (why aren’t they making station wagons anymore?)

-Recheck all your ropes and straps regularly because they will loosen and your load shift from movement. Definitely check it after your first few miles.

We now return you to the real time article. Best to not alter the time line by going to meet myself and causing a temporal explosion }


Who’ld of thunk, C5 (and my local backwoods mechanic down the road) would say the Honda Civic or the Toyota Corolla would turn out to be the road warrior vehicle of the apocalypse. Its the least worst option. Its the best chance at throwing away the least amount of money on an older used car. Money that has much better uses, preparing you for when there is no money at all. If you need a high paying job to pay for your truck and gas, to get to your job, you are caught in a vicious cycle.

By the way, I also have this, for when the gas, the functioning infrastructure, the jobs and the money are no more.

SHTF car 6The bikes. Not the bus used as dry storage. There is 7 of them in there. All recycled or second hand rebuilds.

SHTF car 7This is my favorite. A long tail  on an early Stump Jumper. For when I have to do stuff like the first bike guy in the photo nearer the top.

Lets get back to a little Ninja philosophy.

Might as well start with, whatever image you have in your head from pop culture is probably wrong. Assassins with primitive weapons and masters of killing. Even that whole black clad in masks was a make believe creation that came about during the kabuki theater age where the set movers wore black outfits and you weren’t supposed to notice them in the backdrop. Now I am going to be the first person to ever say this. The ninja were sort of the Hippies of Medieval Japan. The back woods counter culture that were hiding in the least hospitable parts of Japan. They were there to “Tune in, Turn on and Drop Out. It was a mix of many cultures and traditions, but they were primarily there to avoid all the crazy turns of constant war happening around them, while seeking enlightenment from direct exposure to nature. The dominant warrior culture saw them as sub human, without honor, to be killed when possible. The true, underdog story. But being the outcast, they could see strait through the Samurai shit and all that crazy.

Masaaki  Hatsumi is the 34th generational grandmaster of the nine schools of Ninjutsu and is designated by the Japanese government  as “Living History”. What is meant by that is that part of the history of Japan is stored in this mans body.

Once again, the image you might have is completely different to this cheerful and playful person. He will say things like,” Its no great thing being the Grand Master of Ninjutsu. I still have to take out the garbage. My wife still yells at me”.

But we are getting to my point. He will talk about “Intention” or “Intention to cut” and to make his point will draw a razor sharp sword across his face without being cut. There is nothing metaphysical about it. Its a highly skilled circus trick. He knows what the blade will and will not do. But he is teaching about your intention and focus.

So, what is your “Intention” here. Are you a Do’er or a Talker.

This all isnt about learning nijustsu or getting a 14 year old honda civic.

Facing necessity, the only thing keeping you from doing this…

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or this…

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…is your “Intention to Cut”. Your will to do it. You can work out the how as you go.

Now you may look at that car and think it is filled with garbage and say, “Eww. Dirty poor people! I would rather die than do that…”


…do you think, ” Those fucking batshit crazy Samurai breeders. No wonder we are on the edge of extinction. First they destroy lives, demanding to drive to awful jobs to get money to buy this stupid shit. Then they throw it away. Well I better figure out how to get it home…”

That there is a mondo pool and one of the stupidest products they sold to the rubes. Its garbage in a couple of years, usually with mouse holes chewed in the bottom… but I will grab any one of them I can find. Its fantastic, rubberized tarp material. Once you cut it down, it is one big curricular rubber tarp, two or three long, thin  tarps that conveniently cover a stack of firewood and usually one good quality rope. We just use the tarps for weed control and mobile mulch lately. If you want a lazy mans garden without tilling or simply to hold garden space for future apocalypse growing, put this on your lawn and simply come back to it in a few years. Nothing will grow under it and the worms and moles will till it for you. Plus you get some valuable poles for other projects and a ladder to be used for….a ladder. Lately I am just using them for the grapes to grow up.

Grape vines climb

It all comes down to intention. The will to do the needful. Fuck what the samurai think.

Remember that bus at the top of the page that I used to live in. I used to have people come up to the door all the time and say, “I always wanted to convert a bus like that” or “some day I am going to do that” or “I always wanted to live in a bus”.

It was flattering at first. Oh, good. I’m not nuts after all. I made the right life choice.

But after hearing it for a few years, I would roll my eyes because I eventually figured out they were lying to themselves and me. If they really wanted to do it, they would have already done it. There are Do’ers and then there are Talkers. 99.9% are talkers. Talkers wont survive.


Oh..My…God! Is it physically possible to be any more pretentious. Love it. Total Rock Star moment.


Oh, yah. I am supposed to give practical survival advice about SHTF Driving. O.K.

Drive it like your grandmother stole it.

Get into the habit of driving under 80kph. That is 50mph for the U.S. and 2 other third world countries. Sound silly and backwards? There is a point of diminishing returns in vehicles. When you jump up to highway speeds, you can used up to a third more fuel for the same distance. When things get tough, what fuel you have is All You Have and might be all you will ever have again. Memorize all the routs you can do that on.  Even in short  term emergencies, the first thing to run out is fuel. If you must highway travel, try to do it at nigh where you can slow down to that level without bugging  all the samurai. Ninja driving. Your struts and alignments will thank you. Especially if it is the last vehicle you will ever be able to afford and you are watching the nations infrastructure crumble, one pothole at a time.

If you can’t except any of this advice, keep in mind the old farmers truck advice. “The guaranteed way to destroy a truck is to put a winch on it”.

You see, without the winch, you would never say to yourself, “Oh, I can get through that. I have a winch”.

One last thought. During recent disasters and conflicts, trucks and 4x4s get confiscated or appropriated  by governments for disaster relief. They also get confiscated by local militants or stolen by organized crime groups. Anything Green or military looking can get you killed or questioned with a set of jumper cables. That bus colour was a bad idea. Recently, I cant even find my car in a parking lot because there are a dozen that look just like it.

Totally Ninja.

Its that time again. Its DJ-C5, your Wolfman of the Wasteland. Howooooo! Spinning secret ninja survivalist tunes. This one goes out to one of my home boys who I ran into today, working at the local country store… proudly wearing a Public Enemy T-shirt. Very stylish. I Want. He gets a Triple play for that fashion statement

Now, other than my soft spot for Public Enemy, I’m not a big fan of hip hop or rap… and certainly not Wanksters. But I got my big boy pants on and can acknowledge when someone hit a nerve. A survivalist nerve… and this song Represents.

This is what My blog is all about…. “You’ve only got One Shot. Do Not miss your chance and blow This Opportunity comes Once In A Lifetime”. plus I can really relate at the 3:25 mark

Staying with the personal survival theme. “I Wanna Get Out. Had To Get Out. Got Out!”

Well, Lets lighten the mood. As an equal opportunity Survivalist, lets bring out some Prepper Elvis, AuHauh.

Feel free to get up and dance. I know I will…..