Lucid Trucking

[luciddreams]

 It's been a long time since I've written anything.  I'm in a motel room in Natchez Mississippi in a temporary holding pattern.  I've just taken possession of a 2015 Freightliner with a manual 10 speed Eaton transmission and a Detroit diesel engine.  Monday I'll leave out of here with a load going somwhere.  My youngest son turns 6 tomorrow, and I will be here...700 miles away in Mississippi.  That's truckin'. 

I'd pray to some diety to allow enough affordable diesel if I believed in the existance of some deity whom would listen.  However I realize there is no such deity listening to my miniscule request.  "I know there are people starving, and dying, and being tortorued lord, but please let the economy hold out long enough for this venture of mine to make sense."  Maybe it would go something like that.  If things continue as they have been I'll go from netting 5000 a month to 10000 a month.  I flatbed...we make more money than all of the other truckers because we haul heavy shit that builds our insolvent and temporalrily unrenewable world.  I regularly haul metal coils weighing as much as fifty thousand pounds.  It's an object smaller than a car and it weighs more than my semi and trailer combined by about twenty thousand pounds.  None of this information stops idiotic motorist from cutting me off and forcing me to stand on the breaks on the interstate.  A few weeks ago I had one such coil shift by about a foot towards my tractor.  Had I not built a false bulkhead out of 4X4 lumber chained down with a 5/16th inch chain it likely would have ended my life.  That bit of wood and one chain saved my life...and that so that one crack head motorist could save a few seconds on I-285 in Atlanta.  Atlanta GA is by far the wost place to operate any type of vehicle. 
 
Not too long ago I was diggin' permaculture holes and worshipping bamboo.  I was splitting bamboo canes with a traditional Japanesse bamboo splitting blade and weaving beautiful baskets.  I was teaching at Mother Earth News festivals and building shit for Eustace Conway at Turtle Island Preserve.  Now I pound the black bitumen sea 6 days a week to acquire benjamins to provice my family with a comfortable 21st century lifestlye.  Asside from that I'm simply trying to acquire some land so that I can grow bamboo.  I'd like that.  I simply want to grow bamboo groves that I don't have to worry about cutting down due to property lines and conventional American thinking. 

There is the real tragedy.  Bamboo is the most useful plant to our species as well as the biosphere.  It creates more biomass , energy, and oxygen than trees.  My domestic fatherly and husbandly duties, as well as my corporeal and spiritual  aspirations are all chocked by a homemade and publicly owned garat.  I once asked "why does a Druid ride a lawn mower."  Now that is comical considering that I'm buying a semi tractor to haul fifty thousand pounds worth of freight around on a daily basis.  That in the name of the money I'm forced into attaining. 

Meanwhile the clock on peak energy keeps on ticking down to economically unrecoverable energy.  I have a simple hope, and that is that I can acquire enough digibits to buy some land and build a quality domicile before the energy clock runs out.  I'm fully aware of the borrowed time.  I'm fully aware of the pollution and the trash we generate.  I'm fully aware of the destruction and death and ridiculousness involved.  I'm also fully aware of my responsibilities as a father to two childen.  One could easily argue that my approach is misguided.  To that my reply is simple.  Show me the money.  It's not me.  I'm no politicians child.  My absent sperm doner left when I was four.  He too drove a truck for money.  Unfortuantely, in my case, this is fate.  Bamboo is my destiny.  Ironically I drive a semi for bamboo. 

Once upon a time I was an EMT on an ambulance.  I netted $500 a week.  I've been netting 1300 a week, and now that I'm owner operating I stand to net 3000 a week.  These are real numbers and they are real fucking stupid.  It's a good snap shot of our society.  Of course every single meat sack reading these words are dependent on the semi's moving all manner of "civiliation" around. 

Our species has been around for approximately 250,000 years.  For about 240,000 years we lived in tribal bands of no more than 150 individuals.  We had no governments, no kings, and no agriculuture.  That all changed.  It's going to change again.  It's going to change back to how it was for the first 240,000 years.  Meanwhile...

If only I could just cultivate the most useful plant to our species as a living.  Oh well...breaker breaker...get the fuck out of my way! 

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[RE]

Gr8 to hear from you LD! 

O-O now, eh?  How many miles on the tractor when you bought it?  What's the monthly payment?

Keep the updates coming!  And try some of my Bugout recipes from the Cooking Zone!  I made many of them in the parking lots and holding pens of shippers and receivers over the years.  Got an Inverter wired in to the truck?

RE

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[luciddreams]

400k on the tractor.  Monthly payment is 1800 and that includes all of the flatbed gear which I am buying.  The trailer belongs to the company I'm leased to. 

Of course I've got a 3000w inverter installed.  I've got to start my day by grinding my own beans and I don't buy food on the road.  I've got a kitchen in my truck.  I'm on the third coleman thermoelectric cooler.  The first was the one you bought for the SUN pitch in Saluda.  I didn't pay for the last two either becasue I fuel exclusively at Loves.  Currently I've got 300 dollars worth of credit at Loves and that's after acquiring the last TE cooler.  Those  coolers are bad ass.

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[luciddreams]

I pay on it for 16 months then a 20k balloon payment to finish off.  I've managed to squirel away 20k in the last year though.  So I've got either catastrophic failure covered or if all goes well I've got the pay off.  I plan to pay myself 1k a week and the rest goes to the truck and the government.  If I make it to the truck payoff than I'll be trippling my current income.  Not to mention I'll be albe to pull any available freight be it container, van, or hazmat. 

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[RE]

400k on the tractor.  Monthly payment is 1800 and that includes all of the flatbed gear which I am buying.  The trailer belongs to the company I'm leased to. 

Of course I've got a 3000w inverter installed.  I've got to start my day by grinding my own beans and I don't buy food on the road.  I've got a kitchen in my truck.  I'm on the third coleman thermoelectric cooler.  The first was the one you bought for the SUN pitch in Saluda.  I didn't pay for the last two either becasue I fuel exclusively at Loves.  Currently I've got 300 dollars worth of credit at Loves and that's after acquiring the last TE cooler.  Those  coolers are bad ass.

You can replace the thermoelectric cooling element and the fan, I did that once.  You save about half on the cost of a new cooler.  They're not that expensive though to buy new ones, so I only did a repair job once.

I agree about Atlanta as far as Ring Roads go, probably the worst in the country.  Spaghetti Junction is definitely no fun.  However, the real test comes in Downtown Manhattan on the old narrow streets of Chinatown.  Probably not too many flatbed loads going there though.

Noticed the "breaker, breaker".  Do you use the CB much?

RE

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[luciddreams]

I don't go to NY, never been and won't go.  Now I have the right to refuse loads being that I'm o/o. 

I've been to detroit often though.  I rubbed up on a power pole trying to get into a truck stop.  GPS routed me into a fucking neighborhood.  All that shit looks the same downtown in cities.  Been to Baltimore several times as well.  I fucking hate going to slaughtermore.  I got in a real tight spot last time.  Got turned around and ended up in a neighborhood.  Had to go about a mile down a one way to get out of that mess.  Luckily it was early enough in the morning.  I thought my goose was cooked that day. 

I actually rebuilt the cooler you bought.  I replaced both of the fans.  Damn thing blew about three fuses a week after the rebuild.  Got tired of it.  Much easier to just replace with love credits.  They charge $125 at the loves with of $20 rebate.  It's just not worth replacing the elements. 

As for the CB...I leave it on with the volume all the way down.  I can't stand the tired ass repeated and sterotypical trucker bullshit.  It's like there's only one dumb ass redneck on the radio, and he always says the same old tired shit over and over again.  I turn the volume up in bad traffic, but most times you can't trust what the retards say about traffic conditions.  Google maps is much more reliable for traffic conditions.  I mostly just use the cb at shippers and receivers.  Occasionally I'll turn it up just for a laugh.  But I've got to be real bored and tired of music and podcasts. 

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[roamer]

Glad i lurked over here to read your update LD.  I pray your endeavor pays off for you and your family.  Your story made me think of my time paying off student loans and saving up while living on an oil rig.  Never did make enough to buy land, but as fate would have it i met and fell in love with a dairy farmer.  We are tying the knot and are together buying 80 acres and the dairy on their folks farm.  We are in debt and a bit broke but its progress.  I'll have to write an update on things on the farm after crops and the wedding to share to diners.  There will be plenty of glamping options to come check things out and stay for a while. 

Anyway i got to think its been a challenge to endure the slog and BS that paradoxically is the opposite of where your heart lies, i think its noble though what you are fighting for and hope like heck you can pull it all off.  Best to you and your family, and drop me an email/dm if you ever end up in sw wisconsin on a trip.

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[luciddreams]

Glad i lurked over here to read your update LD.  I pray your endeavor pays off for you and your family.  Your story made me think of my time paying off student loans and saving up while living on an oil rig.  Never did make enough to buy land, but as fate would have it i met and fell in love with a dairy farmer.  We are tying the knot and are together buying 80 acres and the dairy on their folks farm.  We are in debt and a bit broke but its progress.  I'll have to write an update on things on the farm after crops and the wedding to share to diners.  There will be plenty of glamping options to come check things out and stay for a while. 

Anyway i got to think its been a challenge to endure the slog and BS that paradoxically is the opposite of where your heart lies, i think its noble though what you are fighting for and hope like heck you can pull it all off.  Best to you and your family, and drop me an email/dm if you ever end up in sw wisconsin on a trip.

Congrats on the love and the farm dude!  I haven't been on the Diner in months.  Might be close to a year since I've posted.

I used to be in Wisconsin on a regular cause I was with Roehl, and they are based out of Marshfield. 

I'm with a Southern Mississippi company now in Natchez.  I've been a company driver, but never been to Wisconsin with them.  Been to Michigan a lot.  Mostly I've brought coils to the Detroit area, which I find ironic.  That being pulling steel up to Detroilt from Charleston SC.  Use to be just cotton from the south and steal from the north.  I bring a lot of steel from SC to Pennslyvania as well.  Never ceases to amaze me. 

Now that I'm o/o though I've got more control on when I work and don't work.  That is, I don't have to answer to anyone.  However, in a way I've got to answer to my truck more now.  Basically I married a machine yesterday.  But I've got friends with this  company pulling in 3k a week less taxes.  Still at 20% that's around $2400 a week.  That's after taxes, truck note, truck insurance, medical insurance, and all of the other fuckin' insurance that suck out of me.   

Maybe next year I'll bring the family to vacation with you and help you milk some cows in Wisconsin.  I love the people up there.  This year we are vacationing on the outer banks of NC in a condo that's literally on the beach.  Sand is beneath the damn deck of the place.  We've got an extra room if you want to bring your bride to NC.  Won't cost you anyting.  I'd love to see you again. 

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[luciddreams]

It's the greatest travesty that we must abide by the way the world is.  It doesn't have to be this way.  It's so easy to come to solutions to how things are.  It's just got so much momentum at this point that nothing can be done about it.  I gave up on idealism.  The ideals were just keeping me down.  It's not right.  I live in a world awash with diesel and Merikan bullshit.  Yet I provide for my family. 

In the end it's eat or be eaten.  In this world we have little choice.  I won't be a martyr for those who can't see.  I'll leave that to Jesus. 

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[RE]

Glad i lurked over here to read your update LD.  I pray your endeavor pays off for you and your family.  Your story made me think of my time paying off student loans and saving up while living on an oil rig.  Never did make enough to buy land, but as fate would have it i met and fell in love with a dairy farmer.  We are tying the knot and are together buying 80 acres and the dairy on their folks farm.  We are in debt and a bit broke but its progress.  I'll have to write an update on things on the farm after crops and the wedding to share to diners.  There will be plenty of glamping options to come check things out and stay for a while. 

Anyway i got to think its been a challenge to endure the slog and BS that paradoxically is the opposite of where your heart lies, i think its noble though what you are fighting for and hope like heck you can pull it all off.  Best to you and your family, and drop me an email/dm if you ever end up in sw wisconsin on a trip.

When's the BIG DAY on the nuptials?



RE

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[Surly1]

It's been a long time since I've written anything.  I'm in a motel room in Natchez Mississippi in a temporary holding pattern.  I've just taken possession of a 2015 Freightliner with a manual 10 speed Eaton transmission and a Detroit diesel engine.  Monday I'll leave out of here with a load going somwhere.  My youngest son turns 6 tomorrow, and I will be here...700 miles away in Mississippi.  That's truckin'. 

I'd pray to some diety to allow enough affordable diesel if I believed in the existance of some deity whom would listen.  However I realize there is no such deity listening to my miniscule request.  "I know there are people starving, and dying, and being tortorued lord, but please let the economy hold out long enough for this venture of mine to make sense."  Maybe it would go something like that.  If things continue as they have been I'll go from netting 5000 a month to 10000 a month.  I flatbed...we make more money than all of the other truckers because we haul heavy shit that builds our insolvent and temporalrily unrenewable world.  I regularly haul metal coils weighing as much as fifty thousand pounds.  It's an object smaller than a car and it weighs more than my semi and trailer combined by about twenty thousand pounds.  None of this information stops idiotic motorist from cutting me off and forcing me to stand on the breaks on the interstate.  A few weeks ago I had one such coil shift by about a foot towards my tractor.  Had I not built a false bulkhead out of 4X4 lumber chained down with a 5/16th inch chain it likely would have ended my life.  That bit of wood and one chain saved my life...and that so that one crack head motorist could save a few seconds on I-285 in Atlanta.  Atlanta GA is by far the wost place to operate any type of vehicle. 
 
Not too long ago I was diggin' permaculture holes and worshipping bamboo.  I was splitting bamboo canes with a traditional Japanesse bamboo splitting blade and weaving beautiful baskets.  I was teaching at Mother Earth News festivals and building shit for Eustace Conway at Turtle Island Preserve.  Now I pound the black bitumen sea 6 days a week to acquire benjamins to provice my family with a comfortable 21st century lifestlye.  Asside from that I'm simply trying to acquire some land so that I can grow bamboo.  I'd like that.  I simply want to grow bamboo groves that I don't have to worry about cutting down due to property lines and conventional American thinking. 

There is the real tragedy.  Bamboo is the most useful plant to our species as well as the biosphere.  It creates more biomass , energy, and oxygen than trees.  My domestic fatherly and husbandly duties, as well as my corporeal and spiritual  aspirations are all chocked by a homemade and publicly owned garat.  I once asked "why does a Druid ride a lawn mower."  Now that is comical considering that I'm buying a semi tractor to haul fifty thousand pounds worth of freight around on a daily basis.  That in the name of the money I'm forced into attaining. 

Meanwhile the clock on peak energy keeps on ticking down to economically unrecoverable energy.  I have a simple hope, and that is that I can acquire enough digibits to buy some land and build a quality domicile before the energy clock runs out.  I'm fully aware of the borrowed time.  I'm fully aware of the pollution and the trash we generate.  I'm fully aware of the destruction and death and ridiculousness involved.  I'm also fully aware of my responsibilities as a father to two childen.  One could easily argue that my approach is misguided.  To that my reply is simple.  Show me the money.  It's not me.  I'm no politicians child.  My absent sperm doner left when I was four.  He too drove a truck for money.  Unfortuantely, in my case, this is fate.  Bamboo is my destiny.  Ironically I drive a semi for bamboo. 

Once upon a time I was an EMT on an ambulance.  I netted $500 a week.  I've been netting 1300 a week, and now that I'm owner operating I stand to net 3000 a week.  These are real numbers and they are real fucking stupid.  It's a good snap shot of our society.  Of course every single meat sack reading these words are dependent on the semi's moving all manner of "civiliation" around. 

Our species has been around for approximately 250,000 years.  For about 240,000 years we lived in tribal bands of no more than 150 individuals.  We had no governments, no kings, and no agriculuture.  That all changed.  It's going to change again.  It's going to change back to how it was for the first 240,000 years.  Meanwhile...

If only I could just cultivate the most useful plant to our species as a living.  Oh well...breaker breaker...get the fuck out of my way!

Really appreciate the report. Ironies abound. I think everyone on this board shares with you the realization that we're "on the clock."

Bamboo is my destiny.  Ironically I drive a semi for bamboo.

Very zen.

Before enlightenment: chop wood, carry water.
After enlightenment: chop wood, carry water.

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[luciddreams]

It's true about the Zen Surly.  I've got a book in my head entitled 'The Zen of Truckin'."  I've got the chapters lined up already.  At this point I'm waiting for the O/O experiience.  For me it's a natural progression. 

I quickly found myself in the best position a company driver can find himself in.  I was at 65 cpm on a dedicated account.  Half of my miles were deadhead (that's trucker for an empty trailer).  I'd deliever a Nucor load, either steel beams or coil, and then turn around and deadhead strait back.  Deadhead miles are much easier with exception to winter driving.  Semi's actually stop more efficiently while under load due to friction.  An empty truck is harder to stop.  Anyways, I got complacent having maxed out so quickly with pay.  It was just going to be a 1cpm raise annually.  While I was in a sweet spot the stagnation began to bother me.  My second year of driving company I grossed 70k.  Not bad.

Owning my own truck opens up many doors.  It's a 16 month turn around though.  I've got to pay 1800 a month for the truck with a 20k payout at the end.  That buys 5k worth of new flatbed gerar howevrer.  I've got shinny new chains hanging from my headache rack now as well as straps right out of the box.  All of my gear is freshly minted.  At the end of the 16 months I will own the truck and the gear.  I'll just need to acquire a trailer at that point.  At that point I'll likely move to the next step which is to get my own authority and broker my own loads.  For now I get 70% of what the load pays plus the fuel surcharge and all of the money for tarping.  I'm interested to see how much money the tarping fees amount to.  My company pays $35 dollars for tarping to compnay drivers. 

In a lot of ways o/o gives more security and in other ways it gives less.  Being that I'm straight profit for the compnay now they are more likely to get rid of company drivers before letting go fo the o/o''s.  With that comes a lot more responsibility though.  I've got the truck note, truck insurance, full cost of medical insurance fo r the family, the cost of maintenance and repairs, fuel, and I'm not 1099 so I"ve got to pay quarterly taxes as well.  It definitely changes the game.  However most successful O/O's at my company are doubling their company income even after the o/o costs.  Once the truck and gear is paid for I'll tripple my company income.  Not to mention at that point I can pull any type of freight be it container, van, reefer, heavy haul, and hazmat.  That will enable me to broaden my scope and increases my chance for sustainable trucking. 

Getting to the bottom of the numbers between o/o and company is a bit difficutl.  Everbody has an opinion and a larbge percentage of those moving from company to o/o fail without the first year.  That's mostly because they see those big ass checks and spend the money on keeping up with the Joneses.  My outlook is that I"m gonig to pay myself less and work more while I'm paying off the truck.  50k a year keeps my family in the manner they are accostumed.  I've already got the balloon payment at the end in the bank.  Hopefully I'll double that saved money in the first year.  I geel good about the truck.  It was a fleet truck and so PM was done faithfully.  Regular oil changes are the most important thing that can be done for any engine.  I know that was done for this truck.  I also get an extra 5 mph because I'm o/o.  We were governed at 65 and now I can do 70.  Not that I will just in interest of better mpg.  It's just nice for passing the governed company drivers while under load. 

I'm excited for the new challenges.  It feels good to be my own man again and to not have to answer to bosses.  If I want to go home I just go home.  However, at least for the next year and a half, while I'm paying for the truck, I will work more and be home less.  Once the truck is paid for, with any luck, I'll be able to be home more and for longer. 

One of the great benefits to going o/o like I am, with my company, is that if it doesn't work out for any reasonI can just return the truck and get right back in a company truck.  Even if the engine blows.  They will take it back and put me back in a company truck.  That's in black and white.  I read it in the contract I signed with them.  My fleet manager siad she'd fire somebody if she had to to get me back.  She actually encouraged me to try o/o and that was against her own interest since I've proven myself as a reliabe employee that never bitched about anything.  There was plenty to bitch about as well.  I just kept my mouth shut and endured the bullshit that comes with trucking. 

In the final analysis I'm not risking much by going out on my own in this manner.  I have the safety net of going right back to where I was as a company driver on a dedicated run.  Now I just need some luck as far as the truck goes.  But the truck is solid.  It's got a Detroit DD15 which is one of the best out there, next to a Cat.  It's a manual 10 speed with an Eaton transmission.  Eaton has been around  for a long time and they are proven and reliable transmissions.  I'm confident in success.  My heads in the right place and I'm willing to do what it takes to succeed. 

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[luciddreams]

Also, please forgive the typos.  I'm using a wireless keyboard on my Galaxy S9 on a motel bed.  It's next to impossible to see what I'm typing.  To clarify though, I am a 1099 noiw. 

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[Surly1]

LD,

Thanks for posting this. An interesting read. Much of this I did not know, even though my brother in law is a trucker, but he's a company man, not O&O. I am sure RE has a grasp of the economics of "sustainable trucking" (great phrase) better tha n most, since he lived it.

My fleet manager siad she'd fire somebody if she had to to get me back.  She actually encouraged me to try o/o and that was against her own interest since I've proven myself as a reliabe employee that never bitched about anything.  There was plenty to bitch about as well.  I just kept my mouth shut and endured the bullshit that comes with trucking. 

I spent the majority of my working life supervising other people. As long as you're working on "The Zen of trucking," file way the fact that to a manager or supervisor, an employee that doesn't complain is worth their weight in gold and will be given considerations that they may never be aware of. But you already kn ow that-- she told you as much.

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[luciddreams]

Yeah, I learned quickly to keep my mouth shut.  A dispatcher has a lot of pull when it comes to your money.  They can make your life hell. 

Last summer, I hadn't been on the Nucor account for more than a couple of months.  I was only around 7 months into my trucking career at that point, and already with my second trucking company.  I got a 60' load of beams.  We have 53' fixed spread axle trailers.  That enables us to move 60' berams in most southern states without needing a permit.  This particular load needed to be tarped.  That's 60' of metal beams that need to be covered in tarps.  Just securing those loads with 5/16th inch chains with ratchet binders is a big job that takes around an hour (I'm quicker now).  They want us to use all of our chains on oversize loads and so that's 10 chains with two extra on the front in an X formation to keep the beams from killing the driver.  I got the load secured and then tarped it, which took another hour or so.  Keep in mind that this is midsummer in Charelston SC on a coil yard.  Many of the coils that surround the workspace are supper hot having just been coiled in the mill.  It's easy 120 degree fareinheight where I'm working.  It get the whole thing secured and tarped and dressed out with all of the oversize gear.  My mistake was that I did not go over the scales before tarping.  I went over the scales after all of that brutal work and found that I was over weight on my rear axle.  I can't ride like that.  The only way to fix it is to get back in line and have the fork driver move the load. 

I called my fleet manager to update her on this clusterfuck.  I didn't have the time to spare as it would be another 4 hours before I could leave with the load.  I was already exausted and soaked to my boots in sweat.  We have to wear a hard hat, long sleeve shirt, long pants, safety vest, and hard toed boots.  It's miserable work conditions in the summer in the south.  Keep in mind that if I'm not moving down the road I'm not makig any money because as a compnay driver you get paid by the mile, not by the time. 

I was exasperated when I called her to give her the update.  I was frustrated with the knowledge of the work that was ahead of me.  I had barely got the load secured and tarped without passing out from heat exaustion.  I had to stop many times to get in the air conditioned truck to cool down and hydrate.  I probably drank 5 16 ounce waters in the first secure/tarp job.  Now I had to untarp (roll the 70 pound tarps back up) and unchain and replace all of the chains back on the headache rack.  I then had to wait in line to get the load repositioned just to do the entire fucking thing over again.  I was so overwhelmed that I bitched a bit about it to my fleet manager.  She said something along the lines of "bitching about it isn't going to fix anything, do what you need to do."  Yes ma'am I replied while catching up with myself. 

I got in my truck and began screaming a primordial scream.  I screamed until my voice broke up and cracked.  I kept screaming until my voice was gone.  I coudn't talk for over a week.  I remember thinking, at the time, that I was glad that I had no voice.  It felt very fitting to me to have no voice.  I felt as if my voice was pointless in this world.  This was shortly after swallowing the idealism pill down, shitting it out, and watching it circle as it went to the sewer.  I felt powerless and inconsequential.  I felt replaceable and pointless.  All of this work and for what?  I was away from my family and millions of miles away from my blissful bamboo groves.  I was there in that industrial wasteland wasting my efforts on a highly regulated industry of DOT bullshit. 

I made it through that day...granted without my voice.  I got the load repositioned and resecured and retarped.  I ran out of time on my 14 hour day and ended up putting in about 18 hours.  I shut down in a gravel lot at Nucor exausted.   I got up 5 hours later and delivered the load.  It was miserable.  I vowed to never bitch again because it didn't matter what I thought.  The world doesn't give two shits about what we think.  The world of man does what it does and all we can do is deal with our lot. 

I never bitched to my fleetmanager again after that day.  I had plenty of cause to bitch.  I just dealt with whatever it was I had to deal with.  My voice came back and I was a bit saddened by the fact.  I was hopeful that my voice would never come back.  I didn't want to talk again.  I fealt it would be better to just not even be able to talk.  What did it matter.  That day hardened and wisened me. 

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