AuthorTopic: The Bamboo Monster  (Read 2566 times)

Offline luciddreams

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The Bamboo Monster
« on: September 03, 2014, 02:01:52 AM »

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Published on Epiphany Now on September 2, 2014


ninja fox


Discuss this article at the Environment Table inside the Diner


On August 30th,  just after arriving home from a 14 day long intensive Permaculture Design Course, I was informed that South Carolina Environmental Control had been too my residence.  They were looking for Cannabis.  Apparently residents of this county are growing it in their gardens to hide it.  I’m not.  I’ve got kids, and I’m not stupid enough to grow cannabis where it’s illegal to do so.  Anyways, because bamboo is technically a grass, they have decided that I must keep it cut at 16 inches.  This is preposterous.  0.5 miles from my residence there is an established grove of Phyllostachys Spectabilis.  I have that same bamboo growing in my yard, along with others…all of which came from the ground in this county. 


Allow me to officially introduce myself. I, dear reader, am the Bamboo Monster. Now, before you get your panties in a wad and start calling me names, like my all time favorite Bamboo hater term, “Damnboo.” Please realize that I’m a nice monster. However, according to the Department of Homeland Security, I’m in fact the opposite. Just listen to the words of an anonymous chicken shit from the USDA:



“The so-called gardeners who plant this vile stuff in their yards claim that it makes a great privacy screen, while in actuality its an invasive weed that spreads to adjacent properties and wreaks havoc on entire communities. This law was enacted to send a clear message: If you want privacy, build a fence like a normal person!”



“Wreaks havoc on entire communities,” now that is just misguided at best. I mean I may have climbed up through your ventilation ducts in the middle of the night and chocked a bitch or two in my past, but I’m reformed. I promise. I’ve spent the last 40 years or so being damned by American anti-culture. Ever since the American government abandoned its intensive research of me in the late 60′s. I was fit to revolutionize the Earth for humanity. Personally I think I got tossed to the curb by American culture for the same reason that hemp got tossed. I’m just too damn useful to humans. The rotten money changers at the top of the human socioeconomic scheme just can’t figure out how to control me to monopolize on my usefulness. According to the above referenced article, I’m actually illegal to grow in the United States. However, you can buy six foot canes a half inch in diameter at lowes for 3 bucks a pop courtesy of China. Somehow that makes sense, but growing me in your yard for free doesn’t. You might be interested to hear what the illustrious Michael Chertoff, head of the DHS, had to say on the matter of befriending me:



“Privacy in America is a quaint, outdated concept. That’s why we support this legislation. The abolition of bamboo screening in the yards of America will make it much easier for people to see what their neighbors are up to. The passage of this law is one small victory in the larger war against terror.”



Did you know that from 1898 to 1975 the US Department of Agriculture introduced hundreds of my varieties to the states. The plan was to plant me widely as a commercially viable plant. Around 1960, the New Crops Branch of the USDA studied Phyllostachys bambusoides and loblolly pine to compare yields for pulp production. Then on July 1, 1965 the Department of Agriculture just stopped researching me. I was very confused by that because I’m much more virile than pine. Latter I found out that the government turned their back on me because loblolly pine business interests wanted them to. The same thing happened to hemp.


Contrary to what idiots may think, I am native to North America. I’m not an invasive weed, or a pest. For some reason Americans seem to think that I can defy the laws of nature. They think I will “take over” if you plant me. Well, yeah, I will take over if you don’t keep me in check. Let me tell you a little secret. I’ll throw this little nugget out there as a peace offering; I have an Achilles Heel. If you want to control me, all you have to do is dig a trench around me and fill it with sand. Then, twice a year, you take a spade and plunge it into the sand. When you find one of my rhizomes you cut it. It’s called root pruning (or rhizome pruning in my case), and it really is that easy. If you do that I won’t escape containment. Well, I may still find my way out by plunging down beneath your trench, but eventually, if I do that, I’ll send up a shoot and then you’ll know where I escaped. Then you just eat the shoot, or don’t, and pull the rhizome up and put me back into containment.


My growth habits are not a state secret, and I’m easy to contain if you just understand how I grow. Sure, once I get established as a healthy grove I’m just about impossible to get rid of, but then what’s wrong with being strong and powerful? I am stronger than steel and I’m capable of weathering hurricanes. Indigenous cultures know that when mother nature strikes via natural disasters I’m the safest place to seek refuge. I’ve been told that I have somewhere around 1400 uses for mankind. Why, kind reader, do Americans hate the most useful plant to them on the planet?!!!



Offline Surly1

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Re: The Bamboo Monster
« Reply #1 on: September 03, 2014, 03:43:09 AM »
Excellent article, LD. Thanks to you and Gypsy mama for posting your articles on your encounters with the majesty of the state.

And as regards Chertoff-

Quote from: Satan's Vicar on Earth
“Privacy in America is a quaint, outdated concept. That’s why we support this legislation. The abolition of bamboo screening in the yards of America will make it much easier for people to see what their neighbors are up to. The passage of this law is one small victory in the larger war against terror.”

The only man in any sphere of American life who can give Dick Cheney a run for his money as the sheer embodiment of evil.
"It is difficult to write a paradiso when all the superficial indications are that you ought to write an apocalypse." -Ezra Pound

Offline agelbert

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Re: The Bamboo Monster
« Reply #2 on: September 03, 2014, 02:52:30 PM »
LD,
 :emthup: :emthup: :emthup:
Leges         Sine    Moribus      Vanae   
Faith,
if it has not works, is dead, being alone.

Offline Eddie

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Re: The Bamboo Monster
« Reply #3 on: September 03, 2014, 04:20:07 PM »
It's about time to think about getting the fuck out of this shithole country.
What makes the desert beautiful is that somewhere it hides a well.

Offline luciddreams

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Re: The Bamboo Monster
« Reply #4 on: September 03, 2014, 04:32:08 PM »
It's about time to think about getting the fuck out of this shithole country.

Yep, GM and I have been seriously considering it.  Although it wouldn't surprise me at this point if they denied self expatriatian.  You'd likely have to sail off under the power of wind...and just land somewhere and walk around a stranger in a strange land, straight refugee style.  Still, that might be better.  If there's any truth to third world indigenous peoples being the happiest...may be a good gamble. 

I just can't see a way to leave with two young children.  I'd have to have a place to go, where I'd move in with locals, who would vouch for me and teach me the local culture.  Mexico sounds good to me, but then so does chillin' with Hepp over there round Albion way.  God knows we're enough alike.  Maybe too much alike.  But he's got girls and I've got boys ;D

What's up Jason?  Want to breed the Once and Future King :icon_sunny:

I'm only sorta joking ::)

Offline Karpatok

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Re: The Bamboo Monster
« Reply #5 on: September 03, 2014, 04:38:28 PM »
It's about time to think about getting the fuck out of this shithole country.
    To where exactly?  The bilge area of a boat perhaps, an Ebola ridden hut with a dirt floor, or a Mansion with our Heavenly Father in a galaxy far, far away?

Offline Eddie

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Re: The Bamboo Monster
« Reply #6 on: September 03, 2014, 04:42:12 PM »
The family commune here is breaking up. One daughter and BF moved to an apartment.

Stupid, but they're kids and they want to play house. I was that age once, and I get it.

One other BF moving up to Utah for a good job (and I wish him well, but sorry to see him bug out).

Oldest daughter has just about saved enough dinero to get a mortgage and therefore a house.

Looks like we'll be back down to three soon.

Been looking at the new climate change models and maps, and it looks grim for the stead within twenty years. Of course that puts me near the end of my run anyway, if I even get that far.

I've been looking at boats too, and I more or less know how to sail one. Only the work holds me back. I hate to take the vow of poverty.
What makes the desert beautiful is that somewhere it hides a well.

Offline Eddie

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Re: The Bamboo Monster
« Reply #7 on: September 03, 2014, 04:45:35 PM »
To where exactly?  The bilge area of a boat perhaps, an Ebola ridden hut with a dirt floor, or a Mansion with our Heavenly Father in a galaxy far, far away?

The primary thing would be to get to a place with far fewer people. Hopefully with a better climate outlook.
What makes the desert beautiful is that somewhere it hides a well.

Offline agelbert

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Re: The Bamboo Monster
« Reply #8 on: September 03, 2014, 04:56:15 PM »
Eddie,
Quote
The primary thing would be to get to a place with far fewer people. Hopefully with a better climate outlook.

Those were EXACTLY my thoughts in 1996. So I came to Vermont!

Vermont may be part of the USA but it was once a republic and may go that way again if there is a collapse. We are well on our way to a renewable energy future, Vermont Yankee closes in December and so on.   :emthup:  8)
Leges         Sine    Moribus      Vanae   
Faith,
if it has not works, is dead, being alone.

Offline RE

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Re: The Bamboo Monster
« Reply #9 on: September 03, 2014, 05:06:48 PM »
I've been looking at boats too, and I more or less know how to sail one. Only the work holds me back. I hate to take the vow of poverty.

If you Go Yachtie, can I sign on as crew?  I'll get a Hook for my right arm. I can still work the tiller too!  Also, I am a great story teller and can keep the campfires entertaining after the Internet Goes Dark. :icon_sunny:

Where shall we make Home Base?  I suggest Wallace Bay with Peter May-October, NZ November-April.

RE
Save As Many As You Can

Offline Eddie

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Re: The Bamboo Monster
« Reply #10 on: September 03, 2014, 05:18:12 PM »
Did you know that the average low in OF will be about 35F and the average high maybe 80F in the year 2050, according to the worst official models, which are of course biased on the optimistic side.

Think you can still cook with just a hook?

Do you remember the famous sailor, Tristan Jones? In the end I think he had both legs amputated, and he still managed to stay afloat.. Here's a quote from him that's worth remembering:

Show me a man who calls himself a sailor and I’ll show you a goddam fool. My wife, Marilyn, and I lived on a 37-foot sloop for ten years, but we never called ourselves sailors. On good days we sailed, but mostly we bumbled.
What makes the desert beautiful is that somewhere it hides a well.

Offline g

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Re: The Bamboo Monster - The Animals - We Gotta Get Out Of This Place
« Reply #11 on: September 03, 2014, 05:20:24 PM »
Our Peter is the only person I have ever met that got the fuck out of Dodge for real.

Everyone else seems to just move around Dodge to a new location,  it's all BS, except for Peter.

He is such a unique person that I am doubtful there are more than a dozen folks like him in the world who can really flee the scene.

Just a personal observation, no message intended or demeaning of folks who wish they could " Get Outta This Place"

                                                            <a href="http://www.youtube.com/v/wJVpihgwE18&fs=1" target="_blank" class="new_win">http://www.youtube.com/v/wJVpihgwE18&fs=1</a>                                                       

Offline agelbert

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Re: The Bamboo Monster
« Reply #12 on: September 03, 2014, 05:21:41 PM »
Agelbert crazy thought exercise:  :icon_mrgreen:

Speaking off going places to live in peace, I can see why the movable floating home is attractive in a troubled world. But suppose you could find a stretch of VERY shallow ocean where there is a sea mount less than 30 feet from the surface and you could build a house in the middle of nowhere? Ships stay away from sea mounts and all charted shallows so you would only have to worry about pirates.

And if it's out of the way, not even them. You could slowly build up the bottom until you had the start of an island. You could reinforce it to deal with storms and pirates over time and hopefully you would be ready for a full blown collapse in a decade or so. Of course it could get kind of boring just fishing and growing a floating garden but you would survive even with rising seas.

But if most of the fish in the oceans die, you are toast.  :emthdown:
Leges         Sine    Moribus      Vanae   
Faith,
if it has not works, is dead, being alone.

Offline Surly1

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Re: The Bamboo Monster - The Animals - We Gotta Get Out Of This Place
« Reply #13 on: September 03, 2014, 05:44:25 PM »
Our Peter is the only person I have ever met that got the fuck out of Dodge for real.

Everyone else seems to just move around Dodge to a new location,  it's all BS, except for Peter.

He is such a unique person that I am doubtful there are more than a dozen folks like him in the world who can really flee the scene.

Just a personal observation, no message intended or demeaning of folks who wish they could " Get Outta This Place"

                                                            <a href="http://www.youtube.com/v/wJVpihgwE18&fs=1" target="_blank" class="new_win">http://www.youtube.com/v/wJVpihgwE18&fs=1</a>                                                       

Am thinking Ray jason did a pretty good job of getting TFOOD.
"It is difficult to write a paradiso when all the superficial indications are that you ought to write an apocalypse." -Ezra Pound

Offline Eddie

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Re: The Bamboo Monster
« Reply #14 on: September 03, 2014, 05:56:08 PM »
Our Peter is the only person I have ever met that got the fuck out of Dodge for real.

I too admire Peter a great deal. But he's 70 years old, and living alone in a very inhospitable place (in many ways). My hope is to meet him in person before either of us dies, and share some coffee or tea, and share some stories.
« Last Edit: September 03, 2014, 05:57:57 PM by Eddie »
What makes the desert beautiful is that somewhere it hides a well.

 

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