AuthorTopic: Dead Bankster Insurance  (Read 503 times)

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Dead Bankster Insurance
« on: December 10, 2014, 01:10:25 AM »

Off the keyboard of John Ward


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Published on The Slog on December 9, 2014


lampoon


Discuss this article at the Kitchen Sink inside the Diner


At the End of the Day


And in a packed ATEOTD tonight, guest cameos from Albrecht Einstein, Gary Cooper, Grace Kelly, Russell Brand, Joe Stalin, Jude Law, Angela Merkel, and my frozen assets. Where else on the web can you get such glamour entirely free?


I thought I’d seen and read everything, but after yesterday’s latest on senior banker deaths, I realise (as Einstein once said) “the more I learn, the more I realise how little I know”.


The site Wall Street on Parade – which is far from being bonkers – has been looking into the distinct possibility that US banks (who insure their senior staff in favour of the bank, not the family of the deceased) are, um, killing their own staff in order to, er, make a killing hahahahahaha. A senior exec in her early 50s who showed worrying signs of blowing the gaff on this one has wound up – you’ll never guess – dead. Stabbed to death on a towpath in one of the quietest, most crime-free towns in America.


Is there any way down from here? I’d like to say “I doubt it”, but somehow I don’t.


One of the reasons we are here in this cultural sewer with only passing turds for company is the decline of religion as a social influence….because – despite its myriad hypocrisies and horrors – religion scared the crap out of most people by inventing the idea of Hell. As a concept, it was almost as daft as having a Heaven within which the blokes get 77 virgins, none of whom are their sister. But for all the potty nature of passed-down religious nonsense, it has always persuaded otherwise fat, brutish yobs that they should hold back from beating defenceless teachers to death on the grounds of not liking their rug-serpents kids being disciplined.


What we need, in fact,  is a new, outstandingly crazy cult following a belief system capable of disciplining hardcore idiots. The sort of thing I had in mind was Sloglamianity. This would be a catch-all quasi-religion in which some people were out-and-out psychopaths, and others ineluctable pacifists. The pacifists would tell the psychos who was up to no good, and the murderous tendency would then go out and variously do away with the usual suspects such as bankers, senior politicians, accountants, lawyers, stockbrokers, media proprietors, globalist neoliberals, PRs, TV evangelists, Jihadists, African military leaders and other similarly destructive types.


During the course of this process, it seems highly likely that the existing Establishments of the world would reintroduce the death penalty for killing off their colleagues, as a result of which the psycho genes would be decimated within a generation. There would be a tricky period towards the end of this ethic cleansing process where there’d be only pacifists and the last surviving control-freaks remaining…the latter holed up in what was left of the South Bank MI5 building.


It’s at this point we’d need a latter-day Gary Cooper figure to arrive, see off the spooks in a gunfight on Vauxhall Bridge, and ride off into the sunset with Grace Kelly.


Unfortunately, this would leave only Fluffies…probably led by Russell Brand. And within a generation, Stalin would be back. Isn’t life a bitch?


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Now that everyone wants to live forever and have all the nip and tuck their bodies can take, I think it’s time all the data-gathering online networking sites were segmented by demographics. The baby-boomers being now at their peak of wealth and influence (<< note irony pedal pressed here) as an idea, it can’t miss.


For instance, Twitter for oldies could rebranded Dribble or “Eh?”. A Twitter for feministas could be called Drivel. A Twitter for politicians might be Swivel.


A friends site for ladies of a certain age could be called Facelift. For political extremists, Jackboot. For yobs, Inyerface. For Tourettes sufferers, Arsef*ck.


The possibilities are endless. I am obviously a genius.


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Who would have thought that women called Ruth could be the cause of so much trouble, criminality and sociopathic freakery? But what has been clear to me for some time down here in the silo is that those who are ruthless cause most of the trouble on this, our only Earth.


I have no doubt that the Ruths of the world leave the bastards in the first place because they’re unpleasant people, and we shouldn’t expect them to do more. Anyway, they’re not the only ones implicated in this tragedy. After all, people abandoned by Jude Law become lawless. When girls called Pennie walk out, they leave the chaps penniless. And when Geli Merkel leaves a bloke, he becomes fridgeless. But that’s another story.


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I think the time may finally have come for me to leverage my futures, go short on my longterm, pull in my spreads, and Zirp my QE. Or there again, perhaps the core Slog strategy should be to junk my gilts, bear my bull with good grace, take stock of my shares, and commoditise my money.


Oh, the woes of managing what used to be one’s meagre wealth…and is now become one’s frozen assets. It’s -2 here tonight, and I’m here to tell you that my assets are well and truly frozen.


A very good night to all. The duvet beckons.



 

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